... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...

Some years ago, someone remarked to me that, if aliens were to watch our television programming, they would inevitably come to several conclusions about the residents of our planet.

That we are mostly tall and thin. That most of our women are blondes.

That our females are so smart that they’re independently rich enough to wear fifty dollar silk panties and feel “okay about it” ...

... yet so silly to allow themselves to be parted with said panties at the approach of any male in possession of a dashing name to match his inherited millions.

*yawns*

That our men have booming authoritive voices that make women say “you always know exactly what to do, you big man, you” ...

... yet are still possessed of magic wands capable of fixing any problem for even the most troubled of women.

So, when I read an article in “New Scientist” magazine that reported a recent, but quite marked reduction in the reporting of “ufo” sightings and other such extraterrestrial ”evidence”, I for one was not surprised.

They have obviously been watching reality tv “up there”.

They have worked out that, if left to our own devices in a house all day with no meaningful occupation to speak of, we do not assume languid poses on couches in designer clothing and accept important-sounding calls whilst simultaneously running a business empire, fielding more passes than your average footballer and looking fantastic, darling while we’re doing it.

They instead know that, given the freedom to do whatever we want, all we seem to want to do is declare love for each after 5 minutes based solely on proximity, obsess over each others’ hygiene habits (or lack thereof), and utter such profound life changing things as “I am such an idiot sometimes”.

They’re up there. right now. Saying “we’d better rethink that whole Earth thing. It looks like they’re in evolutionary regression down there. anyway, these suits are never going to fit THEM ... and look, look there, look at that one ! ... it’s doing it ! ... hey, ed, come over here and look at this ..."

"... The loud one is doing it again !. It’s trying to herd the others, I think, because it’s the largest ... no, wait, wait, I think it’s unhappy ... well, that’s what they DO when they’re unhappy ... yes, I know it’s strange, but wait ‘til you see what they do when they like each other ...”


Thankyou, Big Brother. Now I’ll never get home




Comments
on May 17, 2004
I think, perhaps, that there could be a significant drop of in UFO sightings due to Reality Television addiction among aliens.

We seem to be a fairly advanced species, but it seems that it is this very advancement that could be festering this attraction to the stupid and infantile in us.

I would go as far as saying that there is an inverse relationship between technological progress and the desire to use the fruits of that progress for anything even remotely beneficial.

We use mobile phones to butcher language. (b cing u 2night - what the fuck is the world coming to)

We use microwaves to butcher food. (Remember when we thought it possible to produce microwave cuisine. HAHAHAHAHA, cough)

We use GPS to butcher people. (Smart bombs, stupid results)

Hell, we might as well use communications technology to butcher culture. (Judging the behaviour on BB there was none to start with. What are we complaining about?)

Imagine aliens with the capacity for intergalactic travel. They must be sitting there watching BB, drool everywhere, hooked up to an IV feeding them popcorn, morphine and beer. Why bother doing anything else when the house cleans itself and your society has progressed beyond the need for money.

They probably use this remarkable technology (i.e. reality television and self-administered sedation) to reduce the probability of war and other nastiness. A truely civilised condition.

Marco XX
on May 17, 2004
as usual your article seems very silly and light...right up until the last paragraph!   Love it.
on May 17, 2004
They probably use this remarkable technology (i.e. reality television and self-administered sedation) to reduce the probability of war and other nastiness. A truely civilised condition.


great. thanks. like i needed another reason to feel shitty. blah on you, realist !!!!

as usual your article seems very silly and light...right up until the last paragraph! Love it.


yes. a bit like myself, really

mig XX
on May 17, 2004
Blah on you for not believing in the power of lowest common denominator culture. It shall some day rule and all will bow before it....hold on...that's already happened. Once again too late with my proclamations.

And now she's calling me a realist. What next - well adjusted?
on May 18, 2004
Top stuff mig Thoroughly enjoyed reading this one
on May 18, 2004
hey marco ... you're well-adjusted. and nice. *pokes out tongue* hah !

ahem. pardon me.

mack. thankyou. i will take you with me when the "ship" arrives.

*evil chuckle*


mig XX
on Oct 14, 2004
One good thing about all those stupid reality shows is, if aliens really are watching, and they just happen to have ill intent, they could seriously underestimate us.

Ummm, well, on second thought, perhaps they wouldn't be all that far off after all.
on Oct 14, 2004
This was really great reading Migs.. you know I was wondering the other day why there hasnt been lots of UFO sightings and abductions.. things have gone quiet... imagine them watching Survivor..maybe they think there is only one of us left.. not worth it really.. ...
Thanks for this Migs!
on Oct 14, 2004
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One good thing about random spammers/bots is the oppurtunity to see an article that I missed from before my JU days started. Very nice post! And you may be on to something here...
on Oct 15, 2004

One good thing about all those stupid reality shows is, if aliens really are watching, and they just happen to have ill intent, they could seriously underestimate us.


exactly, mason ! hehe


Ummm, well, on second thought, perhaps they wouldn't be all that far off after all.


my very next thought, mason lol


This was really great reading Migs.. you know I was wondering the other day why there hasnt been lots of UFO sightings and abductions.. things have gone quiet... imagine them watching Survivor..maybe they think there is only one of us left.. not worth it really..


exactly, phoenix. i speak the truth hehe !. i hope they have been watching survivor. even if they do think there's only a few of us left, they'd never want us based on the survivor participants !


One good thing about random spammers/bots is the oppurtunity to see an article that I missed from before my JU days started. Very nice post! And you may be on to something here...


thankyou, chip. this spammer seems to have targeted me today, and i have been getting soooo frustrated. i can't even blacklist them as the username is different each time. i'm glad that at least this has had one positive effect, as you say, you would never have read this, and i am so glad you did !.


mig XXX

on Oct 22, 2004
Looks like the spam-bot has struck again.
on Nov 11, 2004
LOts n lots of spam!

Love the article
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