... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...
so, if you don't rate, just overcompensate ... at least you know you could always go on ricki lake ;)
Published on June 3, 2004 By mignuna In Entertainment
my husband has the day off work, and it is raining

anybody else who has been locked in a broom closet with a juvenile hyena will be able to appreciate my distress

the couch is strewn with a sony playstation, three newspapers, the tv guide, chocolate wrappers, paddle-pop sticks and the remote controls to every device in the house

and every half-hour, he says the same thing: “i’m bored”


in desperation, he has been watching the only tv program he could find that doesn’t involve headache-inducing impossibly young and happy presenters jumping about dressed in particularly bilious shades of yellow and singing about frogs:

ricki lake


i tried ignoring it at first. but the sounds coming from the couch could soon no longer be attributed to his over-active digestive tract

snorts. grunts. fits of uncontrollable laughter

talking to the television “what a dick” ... then: “ugh. she’s worse, but”

he literally cannot believe his eyes. he badgers me until i watch it with him


he explains that "jake" and "fran" have what they call a “partially open” relationship

ricki further explains (in a much less gross way than i now will), that this seems to mean that they are allowed to go around having “partial sex” with relative strangers

(my husband was too busy laughing at jakes' hat to get the full details, but it seems that it’s all good with them to do "stuff" with other people as long as nothing pink makes an appearance)


each to his own and all that


anyway, so this jake guy is pretty hot in that dirty kind of way, and he has a penchant for brightly striped armwarmers and bright orange glow in the dark condoms

(now that, to me, is what you’d call an actual problem. but, unsurprisingly, nobody bats an eyelid at this. they’re all too busy wondering if he’d fuck THEM or not)


jake explains that he and fran attended a weekend “festival”, during which time he had “partial sex" with a woman who was a “casual acquaintance” of frans’

fran, (who is trying very hard to look like the sexual sophisticate she very desperately wishes she was , instead of the upper-middle-class snob being lead around by her libido that she very obviously is), now adds that she visited said “casual acquaintance” some weeks after said “festival” ...

... only to find a pair of striped armwarmers and a box of glow in the dark orange condoms half-stuffed down the back of the acquaintances’ couch !


now, there is an old saying ... if it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck ...

they mustn’t have any ducks where she lives. they can’t. that’s the only possible explanation for what happened next



jake stated that he did not have sex with this woman. that he had not in fact seen or spoken to her since the “festival”

(suuuuure)


he added he works in a porn shop and that the “casual acquaintance” just happened to be shopping there, (of course completely unaware that he worked there)

(uh huh)


she bought the glow in the dark condoms there, yes, but it was just a coincidence

(of course it was)


he then hid from her

(as you do)


but she suddenly recognised him

(oh, no !. how awful)


he tried to ignore her because he was scared she wanted to have sex with him

(oh. the poor guy)


she told him was that she was feeling “cold” and needed warming up

(yep. i say that to shop assistants all the time myself)


so he very kindly gave her his striped armwarmers and sent her on her way

(bwaaaaa haaaaaa. yep. and by the way, hi, my name is miggy and i find ignorance a turn on)


but that’s not even the unbelievable bit

fran believed him ... but even that’s not the unbelievable bit


he was actually telling the truth

he took a polygraph. he passed with flying colours. but even that isn’t the thing that knocked the proverbial socks off me


see, now jake starts bawling and says he has a terrible secret. everyone is panting to hear that he bribed the polygraph operator or sleeps with livestock or something. but instead, he admits that he has been “very emotionally intimate” with "several women"

(yes, those of you that are still with me, hang in there. i do have a point)

so, i’m primed for fran to dump the louse. and then i get shocked for the first time in the entire program

she says: “oh. is that all”


(whaaaaat ? what does she mean is that ALL ? shouldn't that be everything ?)


in the ensuing melee, ricki excitedly trawls the studio audience, desperately hunting for a suitable candidate to make an insightful comment

believing she has found one, she holds her microphone up to a funky looking mid 30’s guy, who repeatedly punches the air with some type of strange arm movement whilst he utters the final words of the program:

“jaaaaaaake. you’re a happy pot of style, babe ... i love it”



uh huh. oh yeah ! ... go, jake ! ... love your work, pet



Comments
on Jun 03, 2004
Oh....my....god.

I am speechless, but that may be due to the fact that I am recovering from uncontrollable fits of laughter.

-- B
on Jun 03, 2004
hehe why thankyou mr_frog

*bows*

i see that you and i are the only ones that are amused by such things. hehe

cheers ! lol

mig XX
on Jun 05, 2004
I laugh so seldom that it actually hurts when i do.

Never write anything like this again, i'll refuse to know you.

Marco XX

I must say though - NOT AS DEEP AS TOLSTOY.

HA!!!!!!!!
on Jun 05, 2004
NOT AS DEEP AS TOLSTOY.

Yes, Tolstoy's at least six feet deeper.

Mig, I think the title was off putting. Maybe you should have tried "Ricki Lake Does It Doggie Style." Or "Ricki Lake Does It With Orange Condoms"??

the couch is strewn with a sony playstation, three newspapers, the tv guide, chocolate wrappers, paddle-pop sticks and the remote controls to every device in the house

If you think that's messy, you do not want to see my place. That sounds like Martha Stewart's freshly sponged kitchen counter compared to my place.

he took a polygraph. he passed with flying colours.

There's a reason those things aren't admissible in court (in America anyway).

see, now jake starts bawling and says he has a terrible secret ...
he admits that he has been "very emotionally intimate" with "several women"

Now we find out why he can only have "partial sex:" his woman has clearly unscrewed his genitals and carries them around in her handbag for safe keeping.
on Jun 05, 2004
awwwww dammit now there arent gonna be any surprises when this couple hits 'divorce court'. ill recognize the armwarmers and itll be all over before joe the bailiff can yell, 'alllllllllllll rise judge mablean eprhaim presiding'

(unless it turns out theyve moved on to full-on sex with relatives AND strangers)

good ol ricki
on Jun 05, 2004
smartaz and kingbee, you two make my day every time you come in here

If you think that's messy, you do not want to see my place. That sounds like Martha Stewart's freshly sponged kitchen counter compared to my place.


oooh smartaz, but i bet ol' marthas' couch is gathering a fine little patina of dust noooooow

his woman has clearly unscrewed his genitals and carries them around in her handbag for safe keeping.


do be careful not to say that near any genetic engineers smartaz, lovely


awwwww dammit now there arent gonna be any surprises when this couple hits 'divorce court'.


there might be, king. i mean, it'd be a damned surprise if they had any assets to dissolve, right ?... let me know


mig XX
on Jun 05, 2004
any assets to dissolve

jeez heres a horrible thought...jake uses fluorescent orange edible condoms?

(always very glad to see youve served up more of your delicious observations mig.

jessica rabbit in a habit? great vision and...it rhymes)
on Jun 05, 2004
i bet ol' marthas' couch is gathering a fine little patina of dust noooooow

I told Martha if she needed conjugal visits while in the hoosegow I was available. She hasn't gotten back to me yet.

By the way, I was reading up on the 1967 James Bond parody Casino Royale and several of the articles mentioned it's hard to parody something that has already become a parody of itself (as, they said, Bond had during the Roger Moore years). It occurs to me, it's hard to joke about Ricki Lake when the show is a big joke to begin with.

on Jun 05, 2004
jeez heres a horrible thought...jake uses fluorescent orange edible condoms?

(always very glad to see youve served up more of your delicious observations mig.

jessica rabbit in a habit? great vision and...it rhymes)


unless the brightly coloured condoms double as armwarmers too ?. i mean, in that case, she'd forgive him, right, king ?

jessica rabbit in a habit is a great vision. i agree ... (whispers .. where do i get one ? )

and delicious is a fabulous word. utter it at will. expecially in reference to my observations


I told Martha if she needed conjugal visits while in the hoosegow I was available. She hasn't gotten back to me yet


oh, never mind smartaz, pet. i expect she's been well taken care of in that regard by some nice (ahem) lady (ahem) with a bi-leaning and a buzzcut

mig XX
on Jun 05, 2004
It occurs to me, it's hard to joke about Ricki Lake when the show is a big joke to begin with.


true, smartaz.

i am a very silly woman !

hehe

mig XX
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