... welcome to my wedding night ... mare.
i think it’s about time someone removed the whole “shagging like rabbits all night ... nudge, nudge ... wink, wink” aspect from modern marital celebrations. whilst it’s obviously considered a bit of a joke to “tease” a “blushing young bride” about her “wedding night” (ie: about SEX), it’s kind of awful when you find yourself in your “congratulatory line” having to say stuff like: “oh, shut it, dad. i’m twenty-nine years old. i’ve already done it, for pitys’ sake”.
why on earth normally polite people suddenly feel the urge to say “hehe won’t be getting much sleep tonight, will you ?” as you prepare to leave your wedding reception is beyond me. even the most timid of old uncles will be fortified enough from a skinful of sherry to scrape together the odd leery “have a good time” with an accompanying sleazy wink.
come on ! ... get with the program. whilst i too love to see a beautiful, innocent, blushing young bride, one ventures to suppose that more of the “blush” usually (i DID say usually) results from some dear little man named “trevor” wielding a major tub of max factor than from any reluctance to have sex.
besides, i don’t think i know of one single couple that did have sex on their wedding night. in fact, most of them report that, having endured several endless hours of several hundred drunk relatives and several thousand photographs, all they wanted to do was stop smiling, get their stupid outfit off and go to sleep.
that was all i wanted to do. we hired a large country house for our wedding weekend. we stayed there and let everyone come to us. it was a very relaxed way to do it. or so we thought. after the guests and the "wedding"staff left, we decided to listen to some music to relax, and to lay down on our bed and talk about how the day went.
it was very late by then, so we of course fell asleep. well, for about an hour, anyway.
until the house alarm started screeching at about 100db.
i will not repeat what my shiny new husband yelled out at that moment, (but i will say i am glad i was no virgin or i’d have had no clue what he meant). still, he found the alarm box. eventually. outside. in the rain. on the side of the garage. and he turned it off. came in freezing. got back into bed ...
we had just nodded off again when, via the television mounted on our bedroom ceiling, the channel 2 test pattern roared into life at full volume.
(this time it was me that said something filthy).
so, hubby finds the remote control, switches off the sleep timer, and ... yep, back to sleep ...
... for twelve minutes
(now, my great-grandpa was a sailor. yet, i don’t think my hubby actually fully understood that until he heard what i said when the clock radio next to my head suddenly belted out full throttle mariah carey right in my (quite unprepared) left ear).
after several more such instances, it soon became clear that my husbands’ “mates” had spent a generous portion of our wedding reception utilising the fact that the house was largely automated to carry out a plan to drive us insane with sleep deprivation.
they did this by programming an electrical device to trigger itself every 15 minutes. (they of course did not overlook the thoughtful touch of cranking everything up to full volume/capacity, either, the little darlings they are).
needless to say, they succeeded in their plan. i will not bore you with the individual details. but here is the list
2.45am 100db alarm goes off in whole house
3.00am main bedroom tv on ceiling blasts channel 2 test pattern
3.15am main bedroom clock radio blasts mariah carey in my ear
3.30am horrible giant pool cleaner begins to squirt water up pool walls
3.45am air conditioner wakes us by heating room to 100 degrees
4.00am second and third bedroom televisions blast at once
4.15am all lights on top floor of house come on and resist all attempts to be turned back off
4.30am all lights go off upstairs. all lights come on downstairs
4.45am all lights go off downstairs. garden sprinkler system begins
5.00am phone rings. hear nice new husband telling pre-recorded “this is your wake up call” message to insert telephone receiver most forcefully in anus
5.15am “this is your wake-up call .....”
5.30am underfloor heating, pool heating, spa heating, heated towel rails, coffee machine, and tv all turn selves on at once
5.45am drinking remaining coffee and listening to husband plotting slow death (with pain) of "mates"
6.00am accosted by parents at door. grinning. saying “we only dropped by to return your keys ... well, my oh my, don’t YOU look tired ...”
uh huh. nudge, nudge. wink, wink. say no more, eh ?