... of which i qualify for none ;)
my mother recently left behind after a visit a 'women’s' magazine containing an article entitled "15 good reasons why YOU are a modern woman".
ok, i thought. this is a women’s' magazine. i am a woman. how bad can it be ?.
(how did i forget how ceaselessly patronising and awful these publications are ?. they have the pro-women titles like 'your world' and 'womens' way', yet they are jam packed with 'advice' that basically all amounts to the same thing: look good, catch man, trap man, do not pass go and absolutely do not think along the way).
it would appear that i am not deserving of such a high accolade, having failed to have achieved even one single item on the award list. not even one !. not only am i not a 'modern woman', it would appear that i am not even a bloody woman at all !.
i'm not even sure yet what made me so angry about the whole deal. the fact that i again failed miserably to conform to the worlds ideal of woman, or the fact that such tripe can be published and allowed to circulate to make women feel even shittier about themselves.
although i prefer to consider myself 'above' all that 'how to look better naked' palaver, it still sometimes gets under my skin to read this type of stuff. please feel free to scan the following reasons why (supposedly) "YOU are a modern woman":
(and remember, they are serious here. they actually mean it).
15 REASONS WHY YOU ARE 'A MODERN WOMAN'
1/ you are an expert in recognising a jerk as soon as you meet one
2/ your handbag always matches your shoes - men just don't know how difficult this really is !
3/ you can walk in your prada heels without spilling a drop of latte
4/ you dream man is orlando bloom and you know exactly what you'd say to him if you met
5/ you always manage to charge any raunchy calls to your mans' bill
6/ no matter what else happens in your day, you always have time for your girlfriends
7/ regardless of how bad everything else gets, you always have matching underwear
8/ even if you had to retreat inside for a year, you wouldn't run out of moisturiser
9/ if you had to take 5 things to a desert island, you'd make sure you had some nail enamel, just for you !
10/ you can fit a wax and blow-dry into your lunch hour and still have time left over to do a spot of shopping
11/ you can't get through the day without resisting the temptation to email a girlfriend with your latest gossip
12/ you cry every time you watch "the stepmom"
13/ you know the words to every 'friends' episode and love to watch them with your very own 'friends'
14/ you manage to treat yourself to a luxurious indulgence, such as a pedicure or facial, at least once a month
15/ and, above all, you're always yourself, no matter what anybody thinks !
irony, anybody ?
can they not be charged with something here ?. how about 'gross misuse of your power via manipulating your readers into feeling shitting enough to buy the next issue that tells them how to fix it' ?. we could condense that to 'triggering mass tail-chasing amongst vulnerable women' perhaps.
well, that's a big fat zero for me on the quiz. so tell me, are YOU a modern woman ?