... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...

 

I’m not a romantic woman. I admit it. The whole hearts and flowers thing leaves me colder than an Eskimo streaking at an ice polo match. (Yes, that’s very cold). Happily, I have deduced that this is in no my way my own fault. (‘Course not. Couldn’t possibly be).

 

So, my frustration is now aimed squarely at the continual failure of the males of the world to adapt the ‘traditional courtship rituals’ (yawn) to suit the modern female.

 

I am forced to endure tale after tale from my funky, modern girlfriends who attempt to make their way in the scary world of modern mating, only to time and time again suffer the disappointment of the time-honoured ‘restaurant-wine-chocolates-coffee-Mariah Carey-roses-candles-attempted grope’ routine.

 

I mean, come on !. Are there any women under the age of 80 that still go for that boringly well-trodden path ?. As a courtship display, it’s about as original as Michael Jacksons’ nose, yet still, florists flourish and chocolatiers grow chubby on the apathy of the modern man and his romance rituals.

 

(If I may quote the inimitable Margaret Cho on flowers, chocolates, and ‘romantic’ cards: “I just don’t want all that shit in my house”).

 

Why demonstrate the birth of a relationship with the severed reproductive organs of plants ?. I love flowers. I grow them. But I love flowers on plants. Being fertilized by bees. Flowers are damned sexy. But only when they’re alive.

 

My husband gave me a gift of a small flowering plant early in our relationship. Not only did it cost no more than a small posy of flowers, it was also a living thing that kept growing. It was a constant reminder of him and I didn’t have to throw it away with a pile of stinky water a week later.

 

This leads me to believe that men, if given the correct signals, are generally capable of producing satisfactory romantic gestures. It’s all about making yourself clear. So gentlemen, next time you’re confronted with a situation that calls for some romantic aplomb, distinguish yourself from the generic romance herd with ...

 

 

 

‘GUIDE TO ROMANCING THE RECALCITRANT WOMAN'

 

 

 

Part 1 - Things you SHOULD NOT do:

 

 

*Play Mariah Carey. Ever

 

*Get falling-down drunk

 

*Expect sex on the first date. Or even the twenty-first

 

*Buy brand new clothing that’s neater or ‘trendier’ than what you usually prefer

 

*Pretend you never smoke (anything), drink, swear, burp, fart or act like a complete ass and that you aren’t riddled with issues and flaws

 

 *Hide your tattoos, piercings, scars, quirks, ‘geeky’ hobbies, intelligence, problems, whatever-it-is that you think makes you ‘unattractive’

 

 

 

Part 2 - Things you SHOULD Do:

 

 

*Be out and proud with your ‘geeky’ hobby

 

*Be honest about yourself

 

*Smoke if you smoke, drink if you drink (though not to excess, and I suggest refraining from the, err, other things for at least a few dates)

 

*Display your intelligence and don’t be afraid to debate issues as part of lively conversation

 

*Have reasonable sexual expectations

 

*Be clean and hygienic, but please forget the stink-to-high-heaven male ‘cologne’, and don’t have more ‘product’ in your hair than she does.

 

 

 

Part 3 - Places you SHOULD NOT go on a date:

 

 

*A stifling posh restaurant

 

*A ‘chick flick’

 

*A ‘hip’ bar full of posers

 

*Places with music too loud for decent conversation

 

*Somewhere that all of your friends are

 

*An expensive ‘novelty’ activity like hot-air ballooning

 

*Any place that you don’t really like just to impress her (ie: art galleries if they are not your thing at all).

 

 

 

Part 4 - Places you SHOULD go on a date:

 

 

*Your nannas’ place for lunch

 

*A nice local cafe that for a Sunday brunch with coffee and the newspapers

 

*An open air (jazz, etc) concert in a park

 

*An inexpensive restaurant with floor seating and good food

 

* A bookshop that serves coffee

 

*An old ‘movie house’ showing a ‘classic genre’ movie

 

 

 

There it is. So, should you find yourself take a liking to a nice-yet-unusual-woman at any time in the future, you will know what to do. Just simply be yourself, and revel in your departure from the treadmill of terror we call modern romance.

 

Viva le difference !.

 

 


Comments
on Oct 31, 2004
A good article, a little opinionated, but a good article. Here, have an insightful...
on Oct 31, 2004
AMEN!!!!! For G~d sakes don't hide something that will evenually come out if you made mistakes in the past the sooner you admit them the better!!!!!! We all make mistakes or bad choices or went down the wrong path at one time or another be honest about it fellows we respect that you have changed your life for the better more then if you did nothing and have no life hardships you overcame!

Thanks for the article it is definate 10 in my book!

Have a great night~!~

~Peace,LoVe,Health & Happiness~Extended to you
on Nov 01, 2004
This should surely be issued to all adolescent heterosexual young men, so they can grow up with at least some idea of what "romance" is all about (if such a thing as modern romance even exists).

And Vanessa- you must be the best date imaginable!

excellent article

Dyl xxx
on Nov 01, 2004
Migs,

I'm book marking this article and will forward it on to any future potential love interests. If it scares them off, I didn't want them anyway! You, my dear, are a modern guru. I can't believe you give us your wisdom for free!

Suz xxx
on Nov 01, 2004

Nice try Mig... I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disagree on all accounts.  I play Richard Marx for all my dates, and we always go see the latest 'chick flick'... you should see the way that women spread their legs for me!  and always on the first date! 


You believe me right?  or not...


I'm still hung up on this whole 'good lookin people have it easier theory'.  If a woman is after a certain kind of guy, (i.e. a 'hot' one, with lots of money, status, & good family), then he could be a total ass or a total jerk, and she'd just laugh it all off.  And if he tried to 'pick her locks' on the first date, she'd prob'ly let him. 


i agree with you that people need to just be themselves more, not just in dating, but in life in general.  But this goes both ways, and women are just as prone to pretending to be something they're not as men are.  Your rules work great for mature and well-adjusted women such as yourself.  But let's face it, not all women are like you...  a most unfortunate revelation for us single guys 

on Nov 02, 2004

 

i agree with you that people need to just be themselves more, not just in dating, but in life in general. But this goes both ways, and women are just as prone to pretending to be something they're not as men are

i agree with you here, mj. (you're the best brother a girl could have hehe. except when you show me up with issues i forgot to cover )

Your rules work great for mature and well-adjusted women such as yourself. But let's face it, not all women are like you... a most unfortunate revelation for us single guys

wow. i'm mature and well-adjusted huh ?. (i guess you were still away when i shit myself very publicly in the forums over a very small issue and then came back to say sorry. hehe.). and you won't be single for long, mj. i am sorry about em, but you're as eligible as they come, honey. (with a fine heart to boot)

I'm book marking this article and will forward it on to any future potential love interests. If it scares them off, I didn't want them anyway!

yay, suz !!!. i am glad that you like it. i hope it works for you as you fumble your way through the path of modern love. (ps: did you hear that sean was touring with 'thirsty merc' as a guest guitarist ?. woo hoo ! big time hehe). i can't post a pic here but i'll do a blog to show you soon. i might have to make it private because i feel like a bit of a dick doing stuff like that !).

We all make mistakes or bad choices or went down the wrong path at one time or another be honest about it fellows we respect that you have changed your life for the better more then if you did nothing and have no life hardships you overcame!

thankyou for adding this comment to my post, cammeg. you make a very good addition to my case, and those are always welcome  !

A good article, a little opinionated, but a good article. Here, have an insightful...

thankyou, shovelheat. that sounds like a description of my personality too

 

mig XXX

on Nov 02, 2004

YES!!!!!  YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!


Finally, someone understands.....I didn't (don't) want a poseur, a fake, someone who will try to do anything to please me just to look good....I want someone who is comfortable being themselves, warts and all.


Good article, Mig.

on Nov 03, 2004
I promised I wouldn't read this article for entirely childish reasons, and childishly I can still pretend that I haven't, BUT...

why does it seem that women always point these out as don'ts and do's for dating but quickly change their tune as soon as they get married. Suddenly those "warts" get a little less endearing and a little more annoying and the "honesty" becomes outright inconsiderate.

I'm of the opinion that romance does exist but is something that most of us really wouldn't want to find. It doesn't seem to be all that pleasant and there is a more than even chance it will kill you, directly or otherwise.

Romanticism is not the candle on the table or the flower between the teeth, it's killing your spouse's lover or walking away when you know your love will be someone's ruination.

Cupid is really death's handmaiden, the most we can hope for is the simmering that never quite boils over and never quite dies out.

And I wholeheartedly agree with what others here have said, to paraphrase - Mig, what would we do without you? (Not rhetorical, please answer. I, for one, really need to know).

Marco XX
on Nov 03, 2004
oh bah Marco you're such a cynic!!

But alas, true. Love is hell.

Dyl xx

(and a world without Mig is unthinkable.)
on Nov 03, 2004
oh bah Marco you're such a cynic!!


So. You've picked up on that, huh? I'm young and world weary without ever really having suffered, without ever really having lived. Never been shot at, never been hopelessly caught in the maelstrom of addiction, senseless death or self-abuse, never been a measurable distance from death.

Well, that's what people keep on telling me anyway, convinced I'm a member of the MTV generation, burnt images instead of burnt skin, carpal tunnel syndrome rather than missing limbs.

I'm not allowed to be a cynic; I'm supposed to be a young hopeful, assured that the Mercedes is around the corner (and notice how I spell that with a capital, unlike my atheistic god). I'm not though. Still an early 90's cynic caught in the suicide trip that brought down the whole of Seattle around our ears, along with Silicon Valley and our hopes of a sand mined future, gleaming billionaires, every single one of us...hold on...that dream’s still with us and FUCK! it's 4 more years, and what are you going to do when there's no last exit to Brooklyn?

Love is hell, and Dyl...you bring out the best in me.

Marco XX
on Nov 03, 2004
I was always too naive to be truly cynical, even thru all the crap, there remains this hideously stupid little part of me that thinks life is beautiful, maybe because it's so damn ugly.

And Marco- you're not apathetic enough to be of the MTV generation, and I doubt you smoke enough pot either. Television was supposed to make the world smaller, bring us closer, but instead it just makes everything so far away, makes us detached from the walking skeletons and dead babies in the world- all the rest of that shit- there's supposedly no value in oxfam induced inclinations anyway, just corporations and meglomaniac presidents, and little boys with guns.

Fuck hoping for a Mercedes, I hope for a world that isn't so full of shit. And kids now have all their ideals beaten out of them by age 10, no point being an idealist or a dreamer anymore, when the only dream worth dreaming is the dream that smells like money.

I'm sorry I'm just one person with one vote, it concerns the whole fucking world, and everybody should have a say, but well, the little men in black and potbellies have spoken, it's warmer in hell, at least.

Marco, you bring out the annoying rambling part of me that won't shut up.

Dyl xx

on Nov 04, 2004

Marco, you bring out the annoying rambling part of me that won't shut up

geez, i didn't notice ...

And Marco- you're not apathetic enough to be of the MTV generation, and I doubt you smoke enough pot either

dyl, right on both counts, sister. (take THAT, marco, you 'mr misunderstood', you !) bah !

I was always too naive to be truly cynical, even thru all the crap, there remains this hideously stupid little part of me that thinks life is beautiful, maybe because it's so damn ugly.

me too, dyl. me too !

Love is hell, and Dyl...you bring out the best in me.

thank heaven for small mercies, then. keep doing that, dyl

Mig, what would we do without you? (Not rhetorical, please answer. I, for one, really need to know).

oh, criminy. what you did before, i suppose. (which is what you do now, pretty much, except you tell someone about it)

I'm of the opinion that romance does exist but is something that most of us really wouldn't want to find. It doesn't seem to be all that pleasant and there is a more than even chance it will kill you, directly or otherwise

ahem. marco, i love you like a brother my dearest friend, but for the love of deity would you please relax !

YES!!!!! YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!

woo hoo ! i'll have what she's having ! thankyou dharma !

Finally, someone understands.....I didn't (don't) want a poseur, a fake, someone who will try to do anything to please me just to look good....I want someone who is comfortable being themselves, warts and all.

you took the words right out of my mouth, dharma

mig XX

on Nov 05, 2004
oh, criminy. what you did before, i suppose. (which is what you do now, pretty much, except you tell someone about it)


Actually got me to laugh. I think you dislodged some long discarded organ that I had forgotten about...thaaaaat's right, my sense of humour.

What? Me? Relax? Please! And remember, what doesn't kill you, will probably kill you later. Just a word from the not-so-wise but usually spot on.

Marco XX
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