... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...
Published on December 1, 2004 By mignuna In Misc

 

Of the many things that astonish me about modern ‘love’, the one that gets me the most is the ability of a diamond engagement ring to turn a nice, everyday woman into the-bitch-bride-from-hell.

 

I’ve been a bridesmaid on numerous occasions, and, without exception, as I clutched a damp tissue and waved goodbye to the bride and her brand new groom as they departed for their exotic honeymoon, I have thought exactly the same thing: “I’m so glad you’re leaving the country for a few weeks, YOU HEINOUS BITCH !”.

 

Why, oh why, as soon as they get a ‘rock’ on their finger, do ordinary, intelligent women morph into crazed Barbie dolls with yearnings for an endless round of ceremonies, rehearsals, fittings, expos, dinners, temper tantrums and arguments with every member of their own and their fiancées’ families ?.

 

Regardless of how much I have adored the woman who has tearfully asked me to stand up beside her on the biggest day of her life, by the time said big day arrives, I am invariably a few glasses of champagne away from telling her she’s an egomaniacal bitch and her dress makes her look like she should be impaled on top of a Christmas tree.

 

Even my own sister held me captive in a posh hotel for an entire weekend when she got married. I escaped the attentions of the (rather scary) ‘beautician’ temporarily, only to be located hiding in the hotel cafe with a cup of tea and a scone, and returned to my sister by said beautician.

 

“I found her in the coffee shop with a scone” she told my sister, as if I were a 3 year old running amok unattended and not a 26 year old woman who was appalled to be told that her ‘unruly brows were spoiling her face’.

 

I announced: “You are not plucking my eyebrows. I don’t care what my face is 'supposed' to look like”. Then my mother started at me: “Pluck your eyebrows for your sister, it’s her wedding day”. By this time, it was either run for a cup of tea and a forbidden cigarette, or shove the beauticians curling wand right up her condescending ass.

 

Luckily, I have now reached the age where most of my friends are married if they ever intended to be, so my ‘bridesmaidly’ duties seem to be done for the time being. But the very next time one of my friends approaches bearing a diamond ring and a big question, I may well, for my own sanity, be found hiding under the table.

 

 

 


Comments (Page 1)
on Dec 01, 2004
migs~

OMG! TOO funny! I've vowed to myself that I'm not going to do that...that I'm not even going to show the fricken rock to anyone...because who cares, right?

And...my sister's probably going to be my only bridesmaid. She knows that deep inside I'm not a heinous bitch...only when I'm completely stressed out.

You hit the hilarious nail on the head though!
on Dec 01, 2004
Mayhaps that is it, the bride is so stressed out that it's all they can do to not go nuts? After all, as you put it, it is the biggest day of their lives, I would expect it to be stressful. And as for those unmarried friends, well they might have some surprises in store for you
on Dec 01, 2004
Ah, Four Weddings and a Funeral with a nicotine stained snarl.

And I thought cynicism was my forte.
on Dec 01, 2004
I was bridesmaid for my sister and she was the easiest bride ever - nothing phased her! Turns out, this was because she really didn't want to get married, but was only willing to admit this to herself and others a couple of years later when she was divorcing!
on Dec 01, 2004

And I thought cynicism was my forte.


it is, marco. *sing* ... "nobody does it better ..."


After all, as you put it, it is the biggest day of their lives, I would expect it to be stressful.


danny, i'm married, and the celebrant told my husband that she'd married 1500 couples and i was the most relaxed bride she'd ever seen. i'm certain that's because we had a very small wedding and i kept the 'plans' to what we could achieve without too much stress .


And...my sister's probably going to be my only bridesmaid. She knows that deep inside I'm not a heinous bitch...only when I'm completely stressed out.


my sister was my only bridesmaid, too, marcie helen, as i was hers. my sister is somewhat bossier than i am, though. i just told her to wear whatever she liked (she has far better taste than i do anyway hehe). my wedding was quite intimate, but my sisters was a giant palaver with dress designers and so forth. it was lovely, but it certainly tested the friendship !


mig XXX

on Dec 01, 2004
So you planned your stress away, not everyone can do the same. hehe, my mother and sister went slightly mad for my sisters wedding.
on Dec 01, 2004
Too many people make big wedding plans and no contingencies, and then run around like crazy people when the tiniest thing goes wrong. A wedding is generally a large event, it takes a lot of effort to get it all to come off smoothly, and most people don't have the experience to keep track of everything and keep things moving.

Pick a wedding that's of a manageable size, or get a professional planner if you're determined to go all-out.

I'm doing both. My woman and I are getting married in Las Vegas on the 13th, at Caesar's Palace. A small ceremony with not a lot of options or complexity.

And, I'm very happy to say, the presence of a small chunk of fossilized, crystalline carbon on her finger has not changed my woman in any perceptible way.
on Dec 01, 2004

Heheh...D and I got married at the registry office.  we had fewer than 10 people there, and D wore jeans.  our wedding was about me and him promising ourselves to each other and publicly declaring our love...not gowns and hairdos and un-plucked eyebrows.  i simply detest 'weddings'...people lose sight of what really matters.  i read somewhere that the average cost of a wedding in the us is somewhere around the $30,000 mark.  screw that, i say.....give me the money instead!

on Dec 01, 2004
That sounds like the way to do it dharma
on Dec 02, 2004

our wedding was about me and him promising ourselves to each other and publicly declaring our love...not gowns and hairdos and un-plucked eyebrows


dharma, ours was just the same. immediate family and 5 friends each. i did my own hair and my sisters' hair (she was my sole attendant). we rented a house in the 'blue mountains' for the weekend, got married overlooking the mountains on the balcony of the home, then went inside for a party. (my husbands' friends ran amok, but never mind).


we stayed in the house the week and everyone had to come to us for the wedding day !. on the morning of my wedding we went for a stroll in the bush and i was so relaxed and happy that my mum said i was glowing. phil didn't wear a tie (open-necked shirt) and i refused all that tacky 'garter throwing' and such. the table decorations were potted plants that the guests took home to put in their gardens. it really was the best day of my life .


My woman and I are getting married in Las Vegas on the 13th, at Caesar's Palace. A small ceremony with not a lot of options or complexity


citahellion ! congratulations !. what wonderful news !. i am going to look online at caesar's palace now, as i don't know what that is, but it sounds fab !. she's a lucky lady


my mother and sister went slightly mad for my sisters wedding.


my point exactly, danny. and i bet you had a great time dealing with them, right ?


mig XXX

on Dec 02, 2004

There's a part of me that wants to point out how great it would be to find a woman that feels the same way about weddings that Mig and Dharma did... but there's no telling what kind of controversy that would stir if I wrote about the kind of woman i'm looking for.  


Mig - do you mind if I borrow this article, and show it to my next fiance?  (if I ever find one anyway) 

on Dec 02, 2004

There's a part of me that wants to point out how great it would be to find a woman that feels the same way about weddings that Mig and Dharma did


oh, dharma and i think you should just go with that part, mj


but there's no telling what kind of controversy that would stir if I wrote about the kind of woman i'm looking for.


ah, controversy makes the world go 'round, mj. i say go for it hehe


Mig - do you mind if I borrow this article, and show it to my next fiance? (if I ever find one anyway)


i'll do better than that, little brother. how about i arrange for dharma and myself to 'interview' potential candidates ?


mig XXX

on Dec 02, 2004
I'm with Dharma - my wife and I got married on our favourite beach surrounded by friends and family. It was 38 degrees celsius (bloody hot) and very humid. I didn't even bother wearing shoes. We had no fancy cars, or suits or any such nonsense. There was no reception as such either, we just booked the beer garden at a local hotel and took it over. It was extremely laid-back and just what we wanted. It was the second marriage for both of us. Our first weddings had been beyond our control and we decided we wanted to get married our way. That was over two years ago and I still get a rush when I think about it...
on Dec 03, 2004
Brilliantly iconoclastic, mig.
on Dec 08, 2004

Brilliantly iconoclastic, mig.


oooh, stevendedalus, you can't have known it as you typed that comment, but iconoclastic is one of my favourite words. to hear it used in reference to me made me go all smiley hehe. see:


It was extremely laid-back and just what we wanted.


maso, again you and i are in agreement !. sounds wonderful


mig XXX

Meta
Views
» 499
Comments
» 16
Category
» Misc
Sponsored Links