there are at least three people in your head right now.


1. the person you think you are

2. the person you actually are

3. the person others perceive you to be


if you’re in any way self-aware, make that four, by adding ...

4. the person you’d like to become


most of us, if we are interested in “personal growth”, place major emphasis on person no 4.

most of us look at person no 1 and say:

“ok, we’re going somewhere. developing. changing. doing stuff to make tomorrows' “me” better than todays'. i am working on myself. i am going to become person no. 4. this is good”


now, let’s just apply something so basic that it’s almost stupid to our “personal progress” plans ... go ahead and count aloud “mathematically”: 1 ..2 ...3 ...4.

now, look at your behaviour in terms of personal development. chances are, it looks something like this: at 1, but trying to get to 4 ... yet stifling 2 by perpetuating 3.


hmm. damned logic. should have no place in matters spiritual. but it does.

we just call it logic. make it sound clinical. but a rose by any other name, right ?

(would the word “terrorist” strike the same fear had they coined a new term at the time of it’s sad reality instead of making a description out of a word that inspired fear all on it’s own ?).


logic can be spiritual. spirituality can be logical.

self awareness should not be some mythical, amazing, higher-plane of consciousness. people who “lose” themselves in spiritual discovery quite often succeed only in self-isolation and “nobody understands me” misery.

neither should it be viewed as some type of excuse to lose your basic socializations and morals because you’re “above all of that, and the rules don’t apply to you”.


if you’re honestly self-aware, you can see the difference between the “inner” and “outer” you, and you will have your own reasons for this separateness. what you project to the world is what “them” to think you are.

that’s right ... “them”

those people you’re going to have to stop showing that movie of yourself to if you’re not liking their reviews.


if you’re given to wondering if those that “love” you would continue to do so if they could look around inside your head for a while, then you may wish to consider starting at person no 2 and eliminating the need for a 1 or a 3 before you can say safely say that anybody "knows" you at all.

sure, you can get to the finish line by cheating. by appearing outwardly to be as balanced as you’d like to be internally. pink floyds’ roger waters refers to that as “exchanging a walk on part in a war for the lead role in a cage”.


if you’re really not who you want to be yet ... if "acceptance" makes you feel isolated or misunderstood instead of "fulfilled", maybe you should go back to where you made “the self-delusion decision” and start unraveling the lies you told yourself.


some years ago, i was watching my grandmother as she undid an entire half-side of a garment she had been knitting. i was horrified at the “waste” of her “work” and said so.

she pointed out a small (but scarcely noticeable) “flaw” right near the base of the garment and said “i slipped that stitch three days ago, you know. i knew i did it at the time, too, but i was tired so i just left it there”.


i should explain that my grandma is very old now, and i don’t like it when she’s too hard on herself. i assumed that she knew her hands weren’t what they used to be, and that this was her way of saying that she could still produce something perfect. she uses her capabilities as very harsh judges in this way, and any sign of loss in this regard is very troubling to her.


“nan ...” i said gently “you’re much too hard on yourself sometimes. nobody would have noticed”

and you know what ? ... this determined old lady taught me the biggest character lesson of my life with her reply ...


“noticed ? ... oh no, i’m making this for myself ... and i would have always known it was there whether anybody noticed it or not”.


somebody pass me that stitch-unpicker ?