so, if you don't rate, just overcompensate ... at least you know you could always go on ricki lake ;)
my husband has the day off work, and it is raining
anybody else who has been locked in a broom closet with a juvenile hyena will be able to appreciate my distress
the couch is strewn with a sony playstation, three newspapers, the tv guide, chocolate wrappers, paddle-pop sticks and the remote controls to every device in the house
and every half-hour, he says the same thing: “i’m bored”
in desperation, he has been watching the only tv program he could find that doesn’t involve headache-inducing impossibly young and happy presenters jumping about dressed in particularly bilious shades of yellow and singing about frogs:
ricki lake
i tried ignoring it at first. but the sounds coming from the couch could soon no longer be attributed to his over-active digestive tract
snorts. grunts. fits of uncontrollable laughter
talking to the television “what a dick” ... then: “ugh. she’s worse, but”
he literally cannot believe his eyes. he badgers me until i watch it with him
he explains that "jake" and "fran" have what they call a “partially open” relationship
ricki further explains (in a much less gross way than i now will), that this seems to mean that they are allowed to go around having “partial sex” with relative strangers
(my husband was too busy laughing at jakes' hat to get the full details, but it seems that it’s all good with them to do "stuff" with other people as long as nothing pink makes an appearance)
each to his own and all that
anyway, so this jake guy is pretty hot in that dirty kind of way, and he has a penchant for brightly striped armwarmers and bright orange glow in the dark condoms
(now that, to me, is what you’d call an actual problem. but, unsurprisingly, nobody bats an eyelid at this. they’re all too busy wondering if he’d fuck THEM or not)
jake explains that he and fran attended a weekend “festival”, during which time he had “partial sex" with a woman who was a “casual acquaintance” of frans’
fran, (who is trying very hard to look like the sexual sophisticate she very desperately wishes she was , instead of the upper-middle-class snob being lead around by her libido that she very obviously is), now adds that she visited said “casual acquaintance” some weeks after said “festival” ...
... only to find a pair of striped armwarmers and a box of glow in the dark orange condoms half-stuffed down the back of the acquaintances’ couch !
now, there is an old saying ... if it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck ...
they mustn’t have any ducks where she lives. they can’t. that’s the only possible explanation for what happened next
jake stated that he did not have sex with this woman. that he had not in fact seen or spoken to her since the “festival”
(suuuuure)
he added he works in a porn shop and that the “casual acquaintance” just happened to be shopping there, (of course completely unaware that he worked there)
(uh huh)
she bought the glow in the dark condoms there, yes, but it was just a coincidence
(of course it was)
he then hid from her
(as you do)
but she suddenly recognised him
(oh, no !. how awful)
he tried to ignore her because he was scared she wanted to have sex with him
(oh. the poor guy)
she told him was that she was feeling “cold” and needed warming up
(yep. i say that to shop assistants all the time myself)
so he very kindly gave her his striped armwarmers and sent her on her way
(bwaaaaa haaaaaa. yep. and by the way, hi, my name is miggy and i find ignorance a turn on)
but that’s not even the unbelievable bit
fran believed him ... but even that’s not the unbelievable bit
he was actually telling the truth
he took a polygraph. he passed with flying colours. but even that isn’t the thing that knocked the proverbial socks off me
see, now jake starts bawling and says he has a terrible secret. everyone is panting to hear that he bribed the polygraph operator or sleeps with livestock or something. but instead, he admits that he has been “very emotionally intimate” with "several women"
(yes, those of you that are still with me, hang in there. i do have a point)
so, i’m primed for fran to dump the louse. and then i get shocked for the first time in the entire program
she says: “oh. is that all”
(whaaaaat ? what does she mean is that ALL ? shouldn't that be everything ?)
in the ensuing melee, ricki excitedly trawls the studio audience, desperately hunting for a suitable candidate to make an insightful comment
believing she has found one, she holds her microphone up to a funky looking mid 30’s guy, who repeatedly punches the air with some type of strange arm movement whilst he utters the final words of the program:
“jaaaaaaake. you’re a happy pot of style, babe ... i love it”
uh huh. oh yeah ! ... go, jake ! ... love your work, pet 