... a story in which i get squashed like a bug
my stepmother is a horrible woman. i know i shouldn’t say that, but i don’t care. it happens to be true. if this woman dropped dead tomorrow, my only regret would be that she got an easy “out” from the mess she’s made of my family. for the first time in my life, i actually hate someone, and it’s a terrible feeling. hate is my “court of last resort”.
i tried every single thing i could to maintain a relationship with this woman, but i am officially out of options. the years of her inconsistency, over-emotionalism, dishonesty and just plain bloody-mindedness have taken a permanent toll on me. i hate her, and i hate myself for tolerating her just for the sake of my father.
i feel less of a person in so many ways since i met this woman. i hate someone, and i am hated in return. this woman finally got her unequivocal way last week when my father told me “don’t call the house or write to me anymore. just call my cell phone”. she hates me so much that he has to pretend he hates me too or she will leave him. and he expects me to understand that. because i’ve always been the “grown up” one. i’ve always been the “kind” one. the “fair” one. he thinks that i can handle the emotional pain and she can’t.
what kind of woman wants a man to hate his daughter ?. i can only imagine how good it must have made her feel to think that she had succeeded in banning me from my own fathers’ house. i for one cannot imagine how ill somebody must be to take pleasure in such ultimate control over somebody. my father is ageing. she is younger. attractive. difficult. and he is scared to get old alone.
she has thrown him out i guess 5 times, the last time on his birthday. but he seems willing to accept any amount of bullshit from her, and he is prepared to jettison any member of his family who can’t get along with her just to keep her.
he has done this to me before. it was wife no 2, or maybe 3, anyway, kids weren’t her “thing”, so i didn’t visit for a while, she left (they all do in the end), and he went back to being a part of my life. that arrangement suited him much more that it did me though, and i should have mentioned to him at the time that he had no right to make the daughter that loved him feel that way, and that i’d never do it again.
i never did get to tell him, though .... oh, well. he’s sure to find out anyway before too long.