... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...
... a story in which i get squashed like a bug
Published on June 13, 2004 By mignuna In Personal Relationships

my stepmother is a horrible woman. i know i shouldn’t say that, but i don’t care. it happens to be true. if this woman dropped dead tomorrow, my only regret would be that she got an easy “out” from the mess she’s made of my family. for the first time in my life, i actually hate someone, and it’s a terrible feeling. hate is my “court of last resort”.

i tried every single thing i could to maintain a relationship with this woman, but i am officially out of options. the years of her inconsistency, over-emotionalism, dishonesty and just plain bloody-mindedness have taken a permanent toll on me. i hate her, and i hate myself for tolerating her just for the sake of my father.

i feel less of a person in so many ways since i met this woman. i hate someone, and i am hated in return. this woman finally got her unequivocal way last week when my father told me “don’t call the house or write to me anymore. just call my cell phone”. she hates me so much that he has to pretend he hates me too or she will leave him. and he expects me to understand that. because i’ve always been the “grown up” one. i’ve always been the “kind” one. the “fair” one. he thinks that i can handle the emotional pain and she can’t.

what kind of woman wants a man to hate his daughter ?. i can only imagine how good it must have made her feel to think that she had succeeded in banning me from my own fathers’ house. i for one cannot imagine how ill somebody must be to take pleasure in such ultimate control over somebody. my father is ageing. she is younger. attractive. difficult. and he is scared to get old alone.

she has thrown him out i guess 5 times, the last time on his birthday. but he seems willing to accept any amount of bullshit from her, and he is prepared to jettison any member of his family who can’t get along with her just to keep her.

he has done this to me before. it was wife no 2, or maybe 3, anyway, kids weren’t her “thing”, so i didn’t visit for a while, she left (they all do in the end), and he went back to being a part of my life. that arrangement suited him much more that it did me though, and i should have mentioned to him at the time that he had no right to make the daughter that loved him feel that way, and that i’d never do it again.

i never did get to tell him, though .... oh, well. he’s sure to find out anyway before too long.




Comments
on Jun 13, 2004
You're right hate is a very strong word, and I try to never use it. However for those people that do use it, for them to use the word hate, they must have a powerful emotion for that person, dislike them or not, and I can see why this woman would jave made you feel like this. What kind of person pushes someone to not have contact with their own children? She obviously isn't very nice, but I think you're Father is to blame to. For allowing this behaviour to happen. I know he's your Dad and you love him, but he should have the balls to stand up to her and tell her what he wants. A man who is willing to drop his children like that, in my opinion, doesn't deserve to be a Dad.
on Jun 13, 2004
this wont be one of my usual silly comments. i just wanted to point out that as difficult this is for you (its not a situation im familiar with first hand but ive seen it close enough to know what devastation a person like that can wreak), you still shine through as a reasonable, gracious person. in my personal hierarchy, rationality (especially when its most difficult to maintain it), empathy and grace are the three most precious attributes. based on this and everything else you reveal about yourself, you manifest all three.
on Jun 13, 2004
I agree with kingbee's comment: "rationality (especially when its most difficult to maintain it), empathy and grace are the three most precious attributes. based on this and everything else you reveal about yourself, you manifest all three."

Despite your underserved hurts, you show real signs of mercy in the deepest recesses of your heart. That is what makes mercy...mercy... goodness to those who don't deserve it. If you can forgive these terrible hurts, you will help heal the hurts that can otherwise ripe you up inside. You don't have embrace those who hurt you but you can forgive. It needs to be done for we all need forgiveness at some time in our lives. For me it is everyday because I am so human...and therefore prone to make mistakes, to cause hurts and to fail to see and meet the basic needs of others. Prayer for those who hurt us can be a great step to the kind of healing that will raise us up to levels of happiness that we never knew were possible. Take care. My prayers are with you.
on Jun 13, 2004
I second (or even third?!) Kingbees sentiments - your'e strengths are shining through in your approach to the situation. You read alot of things on this website that make you think 'aw, that's a shame', but I had genuine sympathy for you, not just because your'e having a shitty time, but because you seem to be so undeserved of it. Obviously, my interpretation of it all is based on only a few paragraphs, and I don't know your father or your step-mums side - but your reluctance to hate someone gives alot away about you (in the best possible way). I hope you and your father find a way round it all I'm sure you will, afterall, there may be hate between you and her - but there must be alot of love between you and him - equal forces I reckon (let the battle begin )

Btw, after reading your article, I was left wondering were you laid the greatest 'blame' (if that's the right word), with your dad or with your step-mum?
on Jun 14, 2004
Why dont you just hire some hit men or something miggy?

I suppose it would be a waste of time and money... People like this woman usually get what's coming to them anyway... She doesn't need your hatred though... she needs pity... their is obviously something wrong with her if she can't see how fantastically awesome you are!!!

crazy wench

BAM!!!
on Jun 14, 2004
sally, king, oleteach, dune & muggaz ... i felt like the lowest worm alive for writing that article. i am an almost pathological peacekeeper, and for me to admit defeat takes an extreme situation. i expected to be misunderstood for my use of the word "hate" - and here i am almost overcome by the amount of genuine understanding i have have received from all of you.

i can only say thankyou for helping me to find my way through the most damaging relationship in my life. i really needed support back there, and you guys made sure that i got it.

mig XX

on Jun 14, 2004
Btw, after reading your article, I was left wondering were you laid the greatest 'blame' (if that's the right word), with your dad or with your step-mum?


dune, i still can't say for sure. she is an educated and intelligent woman, so i assume she is aware of her actions. but my father doesn't seem to understand that unconditional love needs to be returned. he asks it from me, but never repays it.

i guess the jury is still out. i just wish he realised that some damage is unfixable.

mig XX
on Jun 14, 2004
the things i always find most frustrating about this type of situation--or more precisely the people responsible for it--is knowing there are so many people who dream (often in vain) of having a situation like the one these two are so blithely discarding even as i find myself feeling sorry theyre so flawed.
on Jun 14, 2004
That's terrible Vanessa. I've been through similiar, though less intense, situations invovling evil step-mothers. That sucks that she has been able to manipulate your father like that. I hope things work out for you.
on Jun 14, 2004
Well...in lamest and shortest terms...she sounds like a royal bitch....if I were you I'd bitch slap the shit out of her....and if I was a women....sorry for the profanity...I just don't like to see good people getting screwed over...I hope it works out for you....

~Zoo
on Jun 15, 2004
there are so many people who dream (often in vain) of having a situation like the one these two are so blithely discarding


king, again you show the exact attributes you so kindly credit me with. i feel so well understood by you that i'd be spooked if you weren't so obviously magnificent

That's terrible Vanessa. I've been through similiar, though less intense, situations invovling evil step-mothers.


oh, steve. the stories that you, sam and i could share about the evils of the parent/step-parent. thank you for your good wishes, my friend


if I were you I'd bitch slap the shit out of her


you know zoo, last christmas i swear i was seconds away from pouring my drink on her head. i think it was that moment that made me realise how much it was all getting to me, actually. thanks for the moral support. at least i know i'm not insane for considering throwing stuff at her. hehe

mig XX