the cranky old womans' greeting card suggestions

... joking, joking ... ;)

Published on June 15, 2004 By mignuna In Humor

i despise greeting card verses. they assume that i am hoping to express my undying, lifelong respect and utter admiration for the recipient, when all i am actually doing is mailing something because it is expected ... despite the fact that everybody knows how meaningless i think that is.

i would like to say something to the greeting card verse "authors" of the world: i hope your cerebral cortexes collectively sever themselves. then i can take over.

welcome to the cranky old woman's greeting cards for modern occasions ... for unusual ahem, "circumstances". because, let's face it, sometimes people do things in this world that leave you speechless ...

... so, here it is ... for when: "you are like a pretty, dear, kind little precious and my life would be nothing but for you" just won't cut it. for when you actually need to say something.

MEETING INTERNET LOVE:

1/ since meeting you, id have to say, i liked you more from far away.

2/ i don’t care what a nice person you are. you told me you were hot.

3/ so whose photo WAS that then ? ... and what’s her number ?

UNREQUITED LOVE:

1/ i love you from afar. so stay there.

2/ i only like you because you don't like me.

3/ you hurt my feelings. i was only pretending not to have any.

BIRTHDAY:

1/ this is your last known email address. birthday duties fulfilled.

2/ happy birthday. you look great for your age. how old are you again ?.

3/ ANOTHER year older ? look on the bright side ... most people die before they reach your age.

4/ we are so close that i barely notice your funny smell these days. happy birthday.

5/ you're unique. SO unique that none of my other friends like you. happy birthday.

I'M SORRY:

1/ i was cowardly enough to start this stupid fight, and you'd better believe i'm cowardly enough to try and end it with a card.

2/ it's all my fault. it ALWAYS is. so why do you keep getting upset about it ?.

3/ i’m sorry you’re so sensitive ... next time i’ll lie to you.

4/ i’m so sorry i hurt your feelings. i didn’t think you had any.

I AM NOT SORRY:

1/ in case you’re thinking about me and wondering if i’m sorry yet ... I’M NOT

2/ i can’t think what it was that I did to offend you so much. (could you please let me know, though. i might like to do it again).

3/ you deserved that, AND you know it.

DIVORCE:

1/ hah ! ... saw THAT coming.

2/ i was so sorry to hear about your divorce ... for a few minutes, anyway. then i forgot until just now.

3/ congratulations on your divorce. by the way, i've always fancied you ...

YOU'RE LEAVING ?:

1/ you’re leaving ?. oh well, i never really liked you much anyway.

2/ got THAT one in just before they fired you, didn’t ‘cha ?.

3/ i will really miss you ... but only ‘cause i waste lots of time at work daydreaming about doing you.

4/ you’re leaving ? ... oh ... so you didn’t like us, either ?

STEP PARENT:

1/ congratulations on being the latest spouse of my father. we must do lunch. kiss kiss.

2/ there are no cards for step parents. one day someone should do something about that.

Comments

Gene Nash

on Jun 15, 2004

all i am actually doing is mailing something because it is expected ... despite the fact that everybody knows how meaningless i think that is.

You mean you don't really care?

*SNIFF-SNIFF*

By the way, I keep meaning to start a greeting card site, can I steal these? It would save me a lot of work.

mignuna

on Jun 15, 2004

You mean you don't really care? *SNIFF-SNIFF*

oh, come now, smartaz. of course you aren't included in that statement.

By the way, I keep meaning to start a greeting card site, can I steal these? It would save me a lot of work

i have been threatening to do the same thing myself. i have a plan: i sit here and generate unkind sayings, and then you can do all the rest of the work. yeah !. sounds fair, huh, partner ?

smartaz, you never fail to make me smile

mig XX

Sally jacobs

on Jun 15, 2004

Mig you truely rule! Giggle after giggle, hehe!

/ i was cowardly enough to start this stupid fight, and you'd better believe i'm cowardly enough to try and end it with a card

1/ since meeting you, id have to say, i liked you more from far away.

1/ congratulations on being the latest spouse of my father. we must do lunch. kiss kiss.

My three faves!

mignuna

on Jun 15, 2004

i'm so glad you liked them, sally. i agree with your choices of faves, too. hehe. especially the stepmother one. hehe

mig XX

DylanZimmerman

on Jun 15, 2004

hehe these are genius. i laughed my ass off (which makes a change lol). Anyway, do you mind if i borrow the divorce one to send to my mom?

another cool article. rock on. ..etc.

Love Dyl xx

kingbee

on Jun 15, 2004

i love em all. you really should get in touch with these people...you might be on the verge of becoming an instant success http://www.despair.com/demotivators/index.html

notsohighlyevolved

on Jun 15, 2004

Meeting internet love: Did i say i love you? Sorry. Wrong email address.

Unrequited love: I like depression and angst. Let's not make this about you.

Birthday: It's the thought that counts. If this card doesn't reach you, it's because it was telepathically sent and don't blame me for your deficiencies.

I'm sorry: I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology.

I am not sorry: Read the definition for sorry and then you know exactly what i'm not feeling.

Divorce: I'm sending this because they don't stock any "I-told-you-so" cards.

Your leaving: I'm so sorry your leaving. On the other hand you've left a nice space for a pot plant. Thanks.

Step parent: Welcome. We're the baggage that accompanies your new aquisition.

Mig, I'm sure that underneath this sour, angry persona lies the heart of a kind, gentle women who looks foward to embroidery in her twilight years.

And here i was thinking I was the cantankerous one.

Marco XX

Muggaz

on Jun 15, 2004

2/ i only like you because you don't like me.

Classic.

Everyone lavish praise on Miggy for her obvious excellence!!!

[Homer Simpson]Do it!!! *shakes fist* [/Homer Simpson]

BAM!!!

ShitsNgiggles

on Jun 15, 2004

I love these Vanessa, you must tell jesse about them. As you probably know he has aspirations to start an inappropriate greeting card business.

it's all my fault. it ALWAYS is. so why do you keep getting upset about it ?.

this is my personal favorite, and too often true in my case.

mignuna

on Jun 15, 2004

Anyway, do you mind if i borrow the divorce one to send to my mom?

dyl honey, it would be my pleasure to have you hit mummy with one of my sayings. enjoy!. hehe kiss kiss XX

i love em all. you really should get in touch with these people...you might be on the verge of becoming an instant success http://www.despair.com/demotivators/index.html

king, you never let me down. your mind always goes that step further than mine

. i will go and look at that site this afternoon. thanks again

Mig, I'm sure that underneath this sour, angry persona lies the heart of a kind, gentle women who looks foward to embroidery in her twilight years. And here i was thinking I was the cantankerous one.

embriodery !. bah. the only embroidery i ever plan to do is this excellent cross-stitch thing jesse showed me that says "don't fuck with me" with this really sweet little flower border. he does so know what the ladies like

... and you ARE the cantankerous one, marco. it's not ME that gets cranky at people for not being cranky enough, cherie

Everyone lavish praise on Miggy for her obvious excellence!!!

super idea, that, muggy. just marvellous. love your work, pet

I love these Vanessa, you must tell jesse about them. As you probably know he has aspirations to start an inappropriate greeting card business

steve, i did tell jesse. months ago. AND i told him he could HAVE those sayings. AND i told him i would help him set up a business. AND i was prepared to do a business plan for him. AND i was going to contribute a small start-up capital in return for a small share in the business. you can imagine what this removal of all possible obstacles did to him, right ?. yep. it bored him. i think he hates the idea now. lmao. at least he never mentioned it again

it's all my fault. it ALWAYS is. so why do you keep getting upset about it ?.this is my personal favorite, and too often true in my case.

YOU steve ?. you're at fault ?. oh, i forgot. not only are you one of the most intuitive people i know, you're also in possession of a partner with a mind like a steel trap. *sigh*. say hi to sam for me, will you ?. it's been ages

. thanks for reading my silly stuff

mig XX

ShitsNgiggles

on Jun 15, 2004

*sigh*. say hi to sam for me, will you ?. it's been ages . thanks for reading my silly stuff

Well, i don't find your "stuff" to be silly, i actually quite enjoy myself while reading it. And i will say hello to sam for you on the condition that you log into a messenger and say hi to me every once in a blue moon.

you one of the most intuitive people i know

Of all the words and phrases i have had levied against me, intuitive has to be one of the least occurring and quite possibly the least true. Though on the other hand, who am i to argue with one so much wiser than myself, and also one who offers such wonderful praise?

sld6

on Jun 15, 2004

hey! i have a life you know? i go to work and class and such. and...and...and.... stop judging me! im going to SO make these god damned cards!

mignuna

on Jun 16, 2004

And i will say hello to sam for you on the condition that you log into a messenger and say hi to me every once in a blue moon

deal !.

Of all the words and phrases i have had levied against me, intuitive has to be one of the least occurring and quite possibly the least true.

well, i'm taking that from actual conversations we've had, steve, so i do stand by my comment. i find you to be most intuitive and perceptive. i find it very easy to communicate with you, and i have always credited that to your intuitiveness and perception.

hey! i have a life you know? i go to work and class and such. and...and...and.... stop judging me! im going to SO make these god damned cards!

yes jesse, petal. we know you are

mig XX

Floozie

on Jun 19, 2004

you hurt my feelings. i was only pretending not to have any.

Priceless, you perceptive little minx!

mignuna

on Jun 19, 2004

Reply By: Floozie: you hurt my feelings. i was only pretending not to have any.Priceless, you perceptive little minx!

hehe ... takes one to know one, floozie, my love

.... thankyou !!!!

*smooch*

mig XX

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