... eww, do the flatmate fandango !
at age 27 i emerged, stunned and unprepared, from the end of a tumultuous 6 year relationship. i had no plans. i had simply decided that living alone (for life if necessary) was preferable to enduring even one more day of something so unhealthy. becoming single again was just a by-product of my decision to begin living my life the way i needed to. the way i have ever since.
now, as neat and tidy as that all sounds, i did not get from suddenly-single to happily hitched in one seamless move. or even a hundred. i had missed out on a lot being so tied-down so young, and it seemed that the universe was determined that i catch up, regardless of my ineptitude and unwillingness to do so.
living by myself was a stretch. as capable as i liked to think i was, i soon discovered the real meaning of the word "alone". the bed felt as vast as a planet. even those painful last few months of feigning sleep to avoid sex, or talking, or just the reality of it all seemed preferable to the sudden reality of "this is all there is".
but angels never look like you expect them to. my "friend of a friend" housemate moved in some 3 months into my "new life". far from being my idea of a "like minded" person, adam was everything i wasn't. he trampled all over my manners (and my complaints about his lack thereof), he put his feet on my coffee table, he played endless loud music and he dated 5 women at once.
on our first saturday morning as "housemates", he sat quietly watching me as i cooked breakfast. i'd been in bed the previous night by 10pm, and he found this a matter of great hilarity. "did you fall asleep reading a book again ?" he asked me. when i said that i had, he told me that tonight i was going out with him. i said no, but he looked right at me and said "i'm a c**t. but i won't let anyone hurt you". so i went.
i put trousers on. he made me change into a minidress. i picked up a girlfriend on the way because he made me nervous. he took us to a party. i met a very nice friend of his who was a dentist. he told me i had nice teeth !. i think he was going to try and kiss me !. then adam ran drunkenly half-way up the stairs and yelled back down into the room at him "get your filthy, stinking hands off my woman". i went home then. alone.
the following sunday, i was awoken by the sight of two heavily tattooed men, stripped to the waist, standing at the end of my bed, holding machetes. adam, and his mate shannon. i was scared sick for a moment when i looked up at adam. he was drunk. filthy drunk. sweating and slurring his words. i thought i was going to die. or worse. "baby ..." he said, approaching the bed "those fucking lantana weeds won't be messing with your peach tree anymore".
adam changed me. he told people his new hobby was "corrupting vanessa" and he laughed when people talked about us. he respected my position on sex and he respected me for it. he stood very close behind me in a club one night and swayed just a little to the music. he was so drunk, his voice was gravel and he whispered in my ear "you're a sexy woman and i have to live with you, so stay away from me tonight, okay ?".
in the end, it wasn't adam who cracked under the weight of the palpable sexual tension in our house. it was me. he'd developed this habit of looking in on me when he got home for the night. he'd come into my room for a moment, look at me sleeping, and then go downstairs to bed. the last few times, he'd also kissed my forehead, and i was pretty sure he'd never done that to anyone in his life.
one particular saturday night, he'd come into my room very late when he'd arrived home. i could feel him looking at me. i could hear him sigh. he leaned close to me and i opened my eyes. "you're awake" he said. just like that. all calm. i looked at him. smiled. closed my eyes again. held my breath. and waited.
i felt his lips on my forehead and i couldn't stop myself. i moved my face up. i curled my hand around the back of his neck. and i kissed him. hard. full on the mouth. for about 2 minutes. then i let go. he looked down at me. "you're drunk, aren't you ?" he asked. i nodded. i watched him fight with himself for a moment. then he got up and left the room. i heard him slam his bedroom door and smash something. (i never did find out what, though 
).