i only wish this was a joke ;)
the 'personals' section in my local newspaper is a guilty indulgence of mine. i don't feel guilty because i read it mind you. i feel guilty because i laugh at it. ok, not only do i laugh at it, i often find myself gripped in uncontrollable honking spasms of mirth that threaten to result in me peeing myself. or puking. or possibly both.
some months after i moved here, i chatted casually with a clever woman around my age in the grocer. she happened to mention that she was single, and that the only thing she found the local personals section useful for was to re-affirm her desire to remain that way.
this of course intrigued me, and with eager eyes i scanned the 'man2woman' column in the very next local paper that arrived. it started out ok, i guess. i thought 'man2woman' was a reasonably chic (if somewhat 5-minutes-ago) title. so far so good. the first ad i scanned seemed innocuous enough. as did the next.
after 2 'okay' ads in a row, i almost wrote off the lady in the grocer as a snob. then i read about 'paul'. 'paul' described himself as a 'mountain man'. (ok, so our "mountains" are more like hills, but maybe he likes hiking or something ...). paul then leaves no doubt as to his preferred type of climbing activity by adding "i love mountin' women". ewwww. neeeeeeeeeext.
meet 'highguy' (i seriously think this guy has forgotten his own name). 'highguy' is looking for his 'soulmate'. his interests are: 'younger women' (uh-huh). 'freedom' (read: he's unemployed). 'alternative lifestyle' (he doesn't wash). and by the way, 'no materialists need apply'. (yeah. and don't go expecting any nasty child support or anything, either, you oppressive bitch).
next we have 'mack'. (cool name. so far, so good). mack is a 'country gent' who would like to meet a woman 'not afraid of a bit of hard yakka' on the farm. ewww. eeeek. work !. he means work !. and probably poo ! cow poo !. ugh. neeeeeext.
dream lover is seeking an 'attractive' (read: he's ugly), 'like-minded' (he's kinky), 'discreet' (he's married) lover. he adds that his 'dream lover' should be 'spontaneous' (ie: wants it when he does), and have no sexual 'hangups' (meaning he can only get off wearing a nappy with the bee gees playing and you should just get over that). noooo thanks.
i see her point. romeo, they ain't. still, reading these ads has sparked a slight positive change in my marriage. i now look at my imperfect husband in a new way. relatively speaking, i seem to have bagged myself a total prize.