... where, oh where is the 'sarcasm' category ?
... things that need to be banned in order to achieve peace:
newspapers
no journalists to stir the pot. yeah. that’s the answer. don’t let us see it coming. that will fix the problem.
movies
what ?. well, they were decent enough to delay releasing a big-budget bomb flick after 9/11. and nobody actually imitates all that stuff anyway, right ?
although, there was something to be said for the ‘good old days’ (back when award winning actors and world leaders weren’t the same thing)
music
that’s right. music is the root of all evil. or something. dammit, i love music. i had plenty of dark, scary friends as a teenager and you didn’t see any of us offing ourselves over the violent femmes.
music doesn’t kill people. sometimes people kill themselves and the parents blame music. but i always want to ask them ... while your kid spent hour after hour locked in his room listening to this awful music, where exactly were YOU again ?
books
yep. filthy things. should burn the lot of them. bad influence on our youth.
i ask you this ... how can every generation in human history have the same argument and still it remains unsolved ?
marijuana
yeah !. that too. i can’t see a single good reason (although i am soon certain to attract some) why pot should be illegal.
other than we should just let ‘em all get legless on alcohol and lungless on ciggies and keep paying that excise tax.
ah well, at least the tax partly covers the public hospital expenses from all those lung and liver diseases.
but not the fact that the australian bureau of statistics data shows that nearly 3000 people over 15 died of alcohol-related causes in the year of 2001 alone. (need i add that this has continued to rise).
speaking
everyone needs to shut up and go have a nap or something.
breathing too loud
everybody hates that.
looking at anybody the wrong way
or at all, for that matter. what were you thinking, looking at someone like that ?. you can get sued for that you know. oh yeah ...
lawyers
let’s all go back to hitting each other. let’s give indigenous populaces their land back. let’s all kiss and make up and forget about it.
just don’t do it again, ok, or else i’ll have to get a, well, you know.
cars the colour of green peas
these make nobody happy.
being ‘naughty’ in foreign countries
yes, that goes for everyone. and vomiting stale margaritas on someone in hawaii counts, too. international relations disasters don’t have to start with elaborate games of hide-and-seek, you know.
(for that matter, i fear greece will never recover from my mother. i am sorry, spiro. is the penguin feeling better ?).
doing anything. at all. ever.
in case somebody uses you as a poor example or decides to blame you for something you didn’t do, you’d better stop doing anything at all, actually.
i myself fear for my every move these litigious days. i mean, if i move, some person might think that moving is a good idea. then they might move also. now we have 2 people moving and all i did was sit up. see ?.
stay still. i warn you. and remain naked. or you may be sued for visibly supporting something like shoes, you fascist hippie-hating capitalist, you. you wearer of symbols ... so what if we have pneumonia, we have principles, man.
right. so. got that. shut up. remain naked. don’t speak or move. or breathe too loudly. don’t read, watch, or listen to anything (especially yourself). don’t smoke anything, look at anyone or throw wobblies in other countries.
and if you must go outside and interact, do me a favour and at least don’t drive a jaunty pea-green car, ok ? 