do we really need other people ?

... the return of the hermit

Published on August 9, 2004 By mignuna In Personal Relationships

it has always fascinated me that humans need interaction with other humans, and that generally this interaction needs to be largely positive in order to be able to live a peaceful life. yet it has long been said that humans require other humans to satisfy an emotional need.

individuals deprived of any human contact invariably suffer degrees of emotional distress, and it is well documented that children of emotionally distant parents suffer later in life, often failing to adequately express their emotions in a verbal or sexual manner.

so, although in theory contact and interaction with other humans is essential to our very survival, aside from the obvious reproductive issues, i can sometimes see no real reason why the modern human needs other humans ... it's 'the return of the hermit’.

every day, people fed up with the increasingly unsatisfactory ‘outside world’ retire to their ‘everything i need is here’ abode and try very hard to stay there unless it becomes absolutely unavoidable to 'go outside'.

i now have less human contact than i have ever had in my life. and as a consequence, i am much happier and more tolerant during those unavoidable ‘mix ups’ that occur during human interaction of any kind.

the increase in my patience and tolerance leads me to believe that the problem may be that there are just too damn many of us living too damn close together. i don’t think we were designed to tolerate living with so many other people being so nearby so constantly.

as a solution, we have elected to build and live in these things full of windows that we cover with curtains. we surround them with fences, give them a number and put locks all over them in order to prevent the people we chose to live 2 feet away from from seeing us.

paradoxically, staying away from people has made me like them again. the utter luxury of personal privacy and a shrunken world has given me a new perspective. it’s not pity. i just know where they’re coming from now.

and whilst needing other people will probably always be a human need, the increasing trend for ‘not needing other people’ may eventually bring about more togetherness than we think.

Comments (Page 1)

David St Hubbins

on Aug 09, 2004

Add me to the list, I work from home. I have 9 roommates and these days I get all of the human interaction I need from them, thankyouverymuch

A few months ago I moved from a downtown 1 bedroom apartment to a big house on the edge of the city. I have interesting roommates, and bunny rabbits instead of bums in my backyard, and I'm much happier for it. Paradoxically, my noveau-hermit lifestyle includes 'video gaming' with people from around the world for a living and blogging from people from around the world, often at the same time. I 'work' with very few Canadians, mostly Americans and Europeans with a few Aussies too. Same thing for blogging. Is it a fake, virtual existence? The money I make, the lessons I learn, the insight into humanity and the smiles I get from the internet are very real to me. Thanks for another great article.

mignuna

on Aug 10, 2004

bunny rabbits instead of bums in my backyard, and I'm much happier for it

oh, i hear you, david

Paradoxically, my noveau-hermit lifestyle includes 'video gaming' with people from around the world for a living and blogging from people from around the world, often at the same time.

i agree. it's way too easy to find all the diversity you need on a intellectual level without leaving your home.

Same thing for blogging. Is it a fake, virtual existence? The money I make, the lessons I learn, the insight into humanity and the smiles I get from the internet are very real to me. Thanks for another great article.

you're very welcome. i appreciate you having read it, david. and the lessons i learn on here are very real to me, also. thankyou for your comment.

vanessa/mig XX

Abe Cubbage

on Aug 10, 2004

i don’t think we were designed to tolerate living with so many other people being so nearby so constantly.

That's certainly true in my case.

DylanZimmerman

on Aug 10, 2004

I don't know- I like living in the city. I like how jampacked fulla people it is. how crowded and noisy and busy. It's exciting and entertaining, and never lonely. Maybe that's cuz I spent the first part of my life in a very isolated place, so I'm catching up!!

Good article though - very thought provoking, good ideas..and yet another way to blame my parents!!!

Dyl xx

Muggaz

on Aug 10, 2004

Sometimes people are really cool, and they are fun to be around...

it's just sad that there aren't many such people

The internet is a good way to locate them without normal pains of trouble-shooting! that sounds extremely harsh... but some people are just dicks, and it can take WAAAAAAAAYYY too much emotional expenditure before you can realise this!

BAM!!!

wuxiaomao

on Aug 10, 2004

solitary confinement...if we couldn't live without others, annoying or not...this would not be used as one of the most brutal and effective punishments...hell it even broke Percy !!(Remember the Green Mile?)

wuxiaomao

on Aug 10, 2004

solitary confinement...if we couldn't live without others, annoying or not...this would not be used as one of the most brutal and effective punishments...hell it even broke Percy !!(Remember the Green Mile?)

Abe Cubbage

on Aug 10, 2004

That's the funny thing about isolation; for one person it's Hell and for the other it's Heaven.

Suspeckted

on Aug 10, 2004

Mig - first off, big props for using the word "whilst," in your last sentence. It definitely adds some good writing flavor. Second, I don't live alone, but I often feel like I do since my roommate and I have such different schedules that we're usually in passing while the other is asleep or leaving for the weekend. Still, I do long for those who can eat up my time in a way that will bring a smile to my face, but I think I'm probably harder to live with than I imagine...but not right now since I'm barely lived with in any respect since more than 1/2 my week I spend less than 3 waking hours in my apartment a day. I think I'm getting a little to good at being "alone," but I'm glad I don't surround myself with others just to avoid it....I'd like to think I remain picky about who gets my time in comparison to self-induced solitary confinement.

-Suspeckted

dharmagrl

on Aug 10, 2004

I think that we do need other people...but that some of us just prefer to choose when we interact with other people.

I can't handle living in an urban environment, even suburbia gets to me after a while. I want to be able to walke around my back yard stark naked if I want to, play my music loud if I feel like it, keep odd hours...without incurring the wrath of my neighbors. That's not going to happen until I move out of town, away from civilisation in general. If I feel the need to interact, I have the option of getting in the car and seeking out people to be around. If I don't want to deal with other people, I stay at home and remain unbothered. I want to have a choice.

Good article Miggy!

psychx

on Aug 10, 2004

Great article, I really do think that isolation is connected to how well we know ourselves. Someone who has no apprehension about who they are can easily remain alone.

Shovelheat

on Aug 10, 2004

I think that we do need other people...but that some of us just prefer to choose when we interact with other people.

That's it EXACTLY for me. That's seems to be my delimma...I want friends, but on my terms.

Sally jacobs

on Aug 10, 2004

I love it when I have a few Mumsy articles to read at a time! I'm funny when it comes to company. All my friends are very social people, love going out mixing with people. My best friend can't stand to be on her own, she always has to be with someone, and have someone hold her hand. i am the opposite. i enjoy 'me' time. I can go a while seeing people, and going out and doing all that stuff, but after a while people irritate me. Does that sound harsh? Just all the whinging, and moaning, and talking about the same stuff, I need to be alone sometimes. My friends understand this about me, they know when I need to be on my own, and they respect it. Just like I know when they need me there, and I respect that. Like most things in life, it is about balance.

mignuna

on Aug 10, 2004

That's certainly true in my case.

thankyou, abe. welcome 'aboard' the hermit-express. we seem to be gathering a bit of speed here, as that is certainly true in my case also. thanks for your comment

i could be the reverse of that, dyl !. i spent 33 years living in sydney and now i can't get far enough away !

Good article though - very thought provoking, good ideas..and yet another way to blame my parents!!!

i love those !. thanks for your comment, dyl

Sometimes people are really cool, and they are fun to be around...

it's just sad that there aren't many such people

this is true, muggy. you yourself need to excape the city life and frolic like a carefree lad with some cows !

i do, wuxiaomao. and you know, i guess even i would hate it if i had no choice, as percy didn't. good point. thankyou

That's the funny thing about isolation; for one person it's Hell and for the other it's Heaven

exactly, abe. my hubby likes to leave the house more than i do. when he wants to go out, he says "I HAVE CABIN FEVER !". hehe. i could not see another person for weeks and not care. paradoxically, though, i miss my family like mad !.

Mig - first off, big props for using the word "whilst," in your last sentence. It definitely adds some good writing flavor

thankyou suspectked for adding that. you know, i had trouble with that last paragraph, and i was pleased when i finally got it to 'read' right, so i am happy you noticed

Still, I do long for those who can eat up my time in a way that will bring a smile to my face, but I think I'm probably harder to live with than I imagine

i could say the same of myself, suspeckted. i am not a people-hater, i just find a lot of people to be lacking anything real these days

I think I'm getting a little to good at being "alone," but I'm glad I don't surround myself with others just to avoid it....I'd like to think I remain picky about who gets my time in comparison to self-induced solitary confinement.

suspectked, you seem to be the sort of person who could relate to near anyone, so i can't imagine you'd lack for company if company was all you required of a friend or partner. but hey, i have some requirements that extend beyond 'you're breathing, you'll do', and i imagine you do too. and for good reason, i might add

. thankyou for this comment, i appreciate it.

I think that we do need other people...but that some of us just prefer to choose when we interact with other people.

thankyou, dharma !. you nailed it right there

. why am i never here when you are ? why ? why ? stupid earth !. you'd think it would sit still so i could have a chat, wouldn't you ?.

ooooh, you are a woman after my own heart !. i do all of these things. we are already talking of needing to move again because developers have gotten a hold of a few acres next to our 'suburb' and want to build an old folks home with 500 houses !. as soon as phil thought about the traffic, he said "if that thing goes through, we're outta here" !

If I feel the need to interact, I have the option of getting in the car and seeking out people to be around. If I don't want to deal with other people, I stay at home and remain unbothered. I want to have a choice.

exactly. mostly i have to go somewhere if i need to interact. and i always have somewhere to go it i want to. but when i want to sit here in peace, i can

Great article, I really do think that isolation is connected to how well we know ourselves. Someone who has no apprehension about who they are can easily remain alone.

thankyou carlos. your comments always make me think. it's true that there is a certain type of loneliness that one can feel if they are 'lost' within (or without ? hehe) their own understanding of themselves. and isolation can mean more than a physical lack of other people, it's especially relevant that you mention this. thankyou

That's it EXACTLY for me. That's seems to be my delimma...I want friends, but on my terms.

me too, shovelheat. dharma made a great summary of the article with that point. it was what i was trying to say and ended up dancing around instead !. although it can sound selfish to say it that way, i think sometimes it's the only real way to be fair to people. thanks for adding this

.

vanessa/mig XX

mignuna

on Aug 10, 2004

I love it when I have a few Mumsy articles to read at a time!

oooh, we were posting at the same time ! hellooooo sal ! hehe

I can go a while seeing people, and going out and doing all that stuff, but after a while people irritate me. Does that sound harsh? Just all the whinging, and moaning, and talking about the same stuff, I need to be alone sometimes.

not harsh at all, sal. i agree completely

My friends understand this about me, they know when I need to be on my own, and they respect it. Just like I know when they need me there, and I respect that. Like most things in life, it is about balance.

it is, sal. and it's great that you have that understanding with your friends. i find that it's a major sticking point with me. i always do seem to offend people without meaning to. i need to work on that

. thankyou for adding this, sal

*smooch*

mumsy XXX

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