(paul simms (for the new yorker magazine. which i did not buy. which marco left here) recently published the following plea to god. this work is copyright to paul simms).
lord ? ... please don't let me die in a funny way.
like being beaten to death with a shoe. especially not my own shoe. and, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, i'd rather not be wearing it at the time.
or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet.
i know i'm going to die someday, i'm just asking not to do it in a way that leads to people who don't know me to email one another news items about my death.
please don't let me die on or near - or perhaps worst of all - because of a toilet.
please don't let me get so fat that paramedics have to come to my house and cut out a wall to remove me, but then bang my head against a load-bearing pillar in the process, thus killing me.
please don't let my death involve a blimp of any kind. or anything inflatable. a hot air balloon would be ok, i guess, but only if i'm actually in the balloon at the time.
what i'm trying to say is: if someone else’s hot air balloon falls out of the sky and smothers me while i'm lying in a hammock reading "hot air balloon enthusiast" magazine, i'm going to be a little pissed.
a vehicular accident ?. fine, bring it on. i understand that. statistically, there's a pretty good chance of it happening anyway. just please don't let it involve a go-kart. or a moped.
also, i'd prefer not to die in a head on collision with someone who - against all odds - has the same name as me. or anyone named, for example, roger crash. or ed oncollision. or jennifer safedriver. i could go on, but i think you get the message.
i'm sure you get this one a lot, but please don't let me die during sex. unless the technical cause of my death is a heart attack or stroke.
if i have to die during sex, please don't make the cause of death any of the following: extreme dehydration, undiagnosed allergy to fruit scented or 'massage' oils, dermatological complications arising out of severe rug burn, or anything involving the use of any object best described as 'foreign".
and i would have to consider any fatality involving a prolapsed anus, of course, absolutely beyond the pale. i mean, come on lord.
if some kind of organism eats away at my body from the inside, please let it be microscopic. or just slightly bigger than microscopic. let's put it this way: if it's big enough to have a face, that would be too big.
and i'd rather be burned beyond all recognition than be burned almost beyond all recognition. especially if the pictures are going to end up on the internet.
thank you for your time, lord.
"