... issues and tissues with a touch of the spicy from the spirit hag ...
... i am the bedhog, i am the starfish ...
Published on November 13, 2004 By mignuna In Misc

I cannot keep still in my sleep.


I for some reason assume a sleeping position my husband has named ‘the starfish’ (arms out, legs out), thus occupying the entire bed.


From there, I for some reason like to hurl the blankets across the room with great force and smash the bedside lamp, occasionally followed by bestowing my sleeping husband with a thump on the head.


(Neither of us has any idea why I do this. Happily, my husband chooses not to view this as some type of repressed waking urge to belt him over the head. This works for both of us).




So, (with the exception of the odd ‘nocturnal-karate-chop-by-wife’), my husband awakens in the morning looking approximately the same way as he did upon going to sleep.


I, however, somehow deteriorate during the night !.


He looks neat, well rested, refreshed. Perhaps a little untidy, but nothing a comb can’t fix.


I, however, look like I have spent the wee hours engaged in folk dancing with a football team.


I do not awaken with the dawn, fresh as a new bud in spring and as just as pleasant to behold.


(I in fact look like a complete and utter wreck, and invariably greet the day through (puffy, sleep encrusted) eyes with all the allure of a recent roadkill).




(My ex-housemate Adam and I were once having breakfast after having attended a rather raucous party the evening before. The party had been a ‘back to school’ theme, and I, wearing  school uniform, had been taken fancy to by the hosts (very drunk and very lecherous) dodgy old ‘Uncle’.


“Vanessa ...” Adam drawled, looking at me “... If that dirty old man that was chasing you everywhere last night could be waking up next to you right now, he’d be saying “Ugh ! ... What was I thinking ???””.)




Daily, my fresh-faced husband springs from the bed, runs a hand through his (charmingly sleep-tousled) curls, and faces the day.


I, however, must endure the horror of 'morning' face !.


Arrrrgh !.


(Why are my eyes on my forehead ?).




One side of my face puffier than the other, one clear eye and one red one, one cheek bearing a canyon-like pillow-wrinkle, hair near-vertical one side and resembling a squashed pith helmet on the other, mascara dark circles even when I’m not wearing any.


I am a mess !. But a cheerful one, which luckily seems to be all that really counts to my husband (provided, of course, he got some sleep !).




Comments (Page 1)
on Nov 13, 2004
hehe. I look terrible in the mornings too. Why is it men manage to work that sleep-rumpled sexy -bed hair look, whilst i look like an extra from night of the living dead?

Good article Mig!

Dyl xx
on Nov 13, 2004
mascara dark circles even when I’m not wearing any.

How does this happen? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Have our bodies developed some strange mascara excretion glands such that we get panda eyes in the total absence of makeup? I hate it. I also hate it when I don't notice until about midday. But everyone else has. And failed to tell me. The bastards.

Great article! I'm not a pretty picture in the mornings either, but I don't have anyone to inflict it on, so I guess it's OK.

Suz xxx
on Nov 13, 2004
I, on the other hand, quite enjoy waking up looking like the bastard son of three mile island and chernobyl. It insures that whatever mistake was made the night before is safely outside the ten mile radius of death before I gain full and regrettable consciousness

And what happens if morning face is your face...permanently. I've tried scrubbing, but i find that steel wool can really tear at the skin in a frightful manner.
on Nov 13, 2004
I've tried scrubbing, but i find that steel wool can really tear at the skin in a frightful manner.

Yeah. Don't try those acid peels either. red, raw, dissolved epidermis is not particularly becoming...
on Nov 13, 2004
"I, however, look like I have spent the wee hours engaged in folk dancing with a football team."

This is hilarious! I've been known to talk in my sleep. Luckily, I'm so innocent and pure (haha...right) that I havn't said anything to incriminate myself in fromt of my man.....yet!

on Nov 15, 2004
This was very funny and sadly very true for most people. I get the pillow case lines so now I have to take the pillowcase of my pillows!

O.K> not to bug you but I don't know if you saw my comment/question on a blog of yours yesterday, but I have this blog site that I am going to revive (winter time) and would love it if you would consider writing something for it. I will tell you all the details if you are interested. I would love it.
on Nov 15, 2004
G'day Miguna. Many Aussie[and I'm sure other nationalities] males would out-perform you as unsafe bedmates. I get to hear many anecdotes from the ladies that train with me. Believe me, the beds are dangerous out there. A combination of whatever grog has been taken[ 1 in 4 have a real problem with booze] and the daily stress creates an often unsafe sleeper.
There is hope! Smart eating and drinking combined with a good exercise program can bring positive sleeping habits.
If all else fails place a foam matress either side of the bed for the unfortunate partner to fall on. Good Luck.
on Nov 15, 2004

dyl, i don't know !. we must uncover their secret hehe

suz, i think you're right. modern women has evolved 'mascara excretion glands' or something. perhaps it's to control the population ?

marco, you shut up !. you look like a fugging CHERUB when you wake up. AND you know it. i've seen it. ugh !. sickening. you're even HAPPY !

leaping lizard, it can only be a matter of time !!!

kelly, hi !. sorry, i didn't see your comment yet (that spam thing left a lot since i was here last, about 14 new comments, so i didn't even look yet). but yes, i would love to write something for your website, i am very pleased to have been asked. thankyou so much. i hope i can do what is is you're looking for, but i'll try. i only hope i can find your comment now !

mig XXX



on Nov 15, 2004

hi robert. we were typing at the same time. and yes, our australian beds are very dangerous. well, i will blame it on that, anyway. sadly, one in 4 australians do have some problem with alcohol. drinking is the national sport. i myself don't drink at all, but that's just because i'm stupid when i do. other than that, i do love being australian, and you should post some of your ladies 'stories' - they sound fun

vanessa/mig XXX

on Nov 15, 2004
Aaagggh, the morning face, i soooo now wat u talkin bout! the problem is always wake up late, so no matter how fast i go, i still look half asleep when i get to work!

on Nov 15, 2004

I too have 'morning' face.  I have been known to scare small children and delivery drivers with my pillow-creased panda-eyed face and 'i stuck my finger in an electrical outlet' hairdo.

Not to mention my atrocious morning breath. 

Yet, my husband swears I am at my cutest in the mornings.  Says he likes me best right after I've woken up and am all befuddled by sleep still....makes no sense to me!

on Nov 15, 2004
mascara dark circles even when I’m not wearing any.

How does this happen? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Have our bodies developed some strange mascara excretion glands

Actually, what happens is, your skin absorbs mascara while you're awake and wearing it. When you take it off, all you've really removed is the surface layer of mascara; the fine layer of dye that has suffused into your skin, essentially invisible, is unaffected. Then, when you sleep, because the skin can now breathe, it "exhales" all the mascara it had absorbed, leaving you with "raccoon face" in the morning.
on Nov 15, 2004
And before anyone asks:

No, not really. I just made that up.
on Nov 15, 2004
MIg......thanks so much...If you would like some details..you can write me at kwhitten814 at yahoo.com
'I'm so excited thanks.
on Nov 16, 2004
I know the answer to the 'morning mascara' mystery - its the mascara fairy...