i hit someone once. a lady. well, ok, i sort of slapped her a bit. just a bit. my hand sort of slid off her face and it wasn't hard. but it still made a really good noise.

i was in a shopping centre in a very affluent area some distance from my own home at the time. i usually would avoid such a place, but i was collecting my wedding gown. i was wandering down one of those big, wide aisles those places have. to be fair, i was meandering down the middle. but slowly. i should add that i can be somewhat careless about my appearance, particularly if i am busy. but i digress.

anyway, this woman with a large scary hairdo came careening out of this dress shop with a huge brown bag and unceremonioulsy barged right into me. now, accidents happen. i know that. especially to women with their heads so far up their own ass that they almost knock someone over and then stand there and say “you keep to the left”. which she did. in a condescending tone. in the tone one may adopt in addressing a stablehand who has wandered into the dining room reeking of horse crap.

so i said it’s a mall, not a freeway (which i know is not much in the way of snappy retorts but you must understand my surprise). to my amazement, she then said “don’t speak to me like that, you little slut”. i swear she did. she took one look at me and decided she was better. how sad. so i let her keep thinking so by saying fuck off you menopausal old hag. well. she made a big mistake then. she looked at me at said “scum”.

so i slapped her. she wasn’t happy to be right. a security guard escorted me to the managers’ office, where i was informed that the nice lady wouldn’t press charges if i aoplogised to her. i didn’t want to. i told the guard i wasn’t sorry. he seemed to understand, anyway, he told the lady that she would be hearing from them and he just let me go because i guess he got trodden on sometimes too.