this is an auto-generated thing - i just entered names, etc, so don't be offended - it says bad things about me too !. you can make your own version by using the link. i did it, and here is the result (with advance apologies to sam for well, you'll see what happens) ...

LOSER TURD MAFIA “BIG BROTHER”

Day 1 - jesse admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of sam. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, pam is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although jerry later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. steve creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. vanessa hits him with a turkey baster.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of saddam's bunker out of cabbage. After much persuasion by steve, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the saddam's bunker task is well under way. However havoc ensues when jerry, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the cabbage. vanessa is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the saddam's bunker task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when jerry farts and blows saddam's bunker over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. sam cries.

6 - steve gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, sam admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a turkey baster. jesse says he never wears condoms because they make his bumhole sore and steve agrees. pam goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. jerry sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up steve.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. jesse goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. vanessa and sam are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for jesse.

9 - vanessa and sam are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. pam sings them a song - i know what boys like - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote sam out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. sam leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with sam's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. pam has to make do without the cucumber she requested. vanessa is visibly depressed and is comforted by steve, who tries to touch her on her boobies.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of steve touching vanessa's boobies over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that jerry refuses to run because his bumhole hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. jerry finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. vanessa calls jerry a lazy bumhole.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. jesse tells everyone individually that he thinks vanessa is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. vanessa and steve are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for jesse.

16 - The nominations are announced. vanessa can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. steve is equally stunned and turns to vanessa for comfort. jerry is distraught and confesses to pam that he thinks he is in love with steve. pam says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote steve out of the house. vanessa says she is gutted and even gives steve a clipping of hair from her boobies to prove how much she cares. jerry is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. steve leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of vanessa clipping the hair from her boobies. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of burkina faso in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of burkina faso sounds like but jerry says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose jesse as the one who must complete the task.

21 - jesse successfully burps not only the National Anthem of burkina faso but also God Save The Queen, i know what boys like and the theme tune to steve irwins' crocodile hour. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and jesse tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. jerry and pam are nominated.

23 - jerry and pam take their nominations well and sit down with jesse and vanessa to discuss why they voted for them. jesse keeps quiet but vanessa accuses jerry of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred bumhole before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote pam out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. pam leaves.

25 - jesse becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of jesse's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of kangaroo dung using only a turkey baster. jesse is unsure but jerry is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, jerry breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the kangaroo incident from his childhood. vanessa tries to persuade him to stay but jesse sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. jerry decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the kangaroo dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by vanessa from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. jesse asks vanessa to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly jesse nominates vanessa to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does vanessa.

30 - When the nomination is announced, vanessa graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that jesse is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. jesse takes his £70,000 and runs away to burkina faso. Nobody, including vanessa, ever sees him again.

...if any non-ltm members have read this far... you must have an open mind, so here is your reward: join us at loserturdmafia.com