i recently grew a tomato plant for the first time. it was about 8 inches high when my mum last visited. it was absolutely flourishing in a combination of dark soil and duck poo. (i save my food scraps for a neighbours' duck and he, you know, obliges, with the fertiliser).

upon spotting said tomato plant, my visiting mother asked me what type of plant it was. "it's a tomato plant" i told her. and she laughed !. and then she said "i wasn't born yesterday, you know".

now, i'm fully aware that the phrase "it's a tomato plant, mum" has long been uttered by teens the world over to cover up for a stinky budding marijuana plant, but this plant actually really was a tomato !.

"mum" i told her, utterly serious "it really is a tomato plant". she looked at me "it's a marijuana plant" she said. "mum !" (i was laughing by then) "i promise you, it's tomato plant. look closer at it". so she does, and then her mobile rings, and i hear her tell my stepfather "vanessa grows pot in duck shit !".

so i yell, loud enough for him to hear down the phone "IT REALLY IS A TOMATO PLANT" ... and he laughs and replies to my mother "don't tell me she STILL says that ?".

ugh. damned plant had better produce a tomato before she comes back again or i may never live this down.