marriage involves facing some nasty facts. one of these nasty facts is the realisation that your spouse is already trained . and there is nothing you can do about it.   the person you now call your mother-in-law has instilled values in your lifemate that you will NEVER, EVER get rid of.   regardless of how much they shit you.   for example, my mother-in-law is very strict about the floor of the shower being grit-free. if you tracked in some s...

  valentines day.   the mere phrase makes most people sigh in romantic anticipation.   i, however, prefer to regard it as a commercial racket fed by gullible fools.   i know that’s not very girly of me, but i really just don’t see the point. valentines day just makes single people feel like losers and married people feel obligated.   for example: the newspaper where i work has a ‘valentine love messages’ page that i am required to ...

    i am 36. one would think that, by now, i would have friends that, for the most part, weren’t stupid.   yet this is in fact not so.   now, i am not saying that my friends lack intelligence. far from it, in most cases.   i merely mean that, despite some of them being over 40, they still have the same issues that they had decades ago. issues that should be sorted in your 20’s (if you’re lucky) or your 30’s.   issues like...

  We’ve all done it: ‘covered’ for a friend or workmate in a tight situation by stretching the truth a little. Most of us would see no real harm in telling the boss that a co-worker was ‘in a meeting’ when they were actually sniveling in the loo because they got dumped.   We’re all human.   Yet there are times when even the most devoted friend would rather not be asked to ‘cover’ for an activity that they wanted no part of, such as providing an alibi for...

    There are many things of which it is possible to become enraged over in this clusterf*ck of a world. I myself must admit that, whilst I try to generally be a tolerant and reasonable person, I cannot stand to be around people who can’t accept a point of view other than their own.   The world seems full of these ‘opinion attackers’, always lurking somewhere, ready to pop up out of the grass at you to give you a frank talking-to because you believe in astro...

  My husband and I were watching a movie together last weekend. Nothing extraordinary about that, except for the fact that this particular movie contained a scene that was almost an exact replica of how we had met eight years previously.   Thinking it uncanny, I turned to my husband excitedly and was about to say something when I saw that he, too, had turned towards me with a startled look on his face.   I paused to let him speak, ready to hear a tender co...

    Care to know what 'floats my boat' ?   Exactly what does 'the little chef' need to do to 'stir my sauce' ?   Could it be sexual gymnastics ?   Endless preening, posturing and posing perhaps ?   Expensive meals, good wine, luxurious backrubs maybe?   Or even bending over backwards to make me happy with endless romance, flowers, heart-warming films and other such essential accoutrements ?   Na...

  If they can send ONE man to the moon, why can't they send THEM ALL ? It's official. They deserve to go. Every last one of 'em. Someone needs to build the space shuttle equivalent of the wooden horse of Troy and pack the scoundrels in there with a one way ticket to a lunar landing. To provide justification of this measure, one needs look no further than the authors of the current spate of (I use the term loosely) books that claim to provide 'insight' int...

  If you have ever been in a romantic relationship of any type or duration, you’ll doubtless also have been the recipient or initiator of the (heinously embarrassing) 4am-drunken ‘ but I still love you ! ’ phone call from/to a person you possibly called a vomitous cretin last time you spoke to them sober.   Telephone calls made whilst drunk rarely have a satisfactory outcome. This is possibly due to the fact that drunken people can tend to be somewhat more free with t...

  The UK Channel 4 has created a new reality show which will show real-life couples having real-time sex, after which their ‘performance’ will be reviewed by ‘sexperts’ to try and ascertain why they are having sexual difficulties.   The program, named ‘Sex Inspectors’, is being marketed as solely for ‘educational’ purposes. The Channel 4 Head of Entertainment, Julian Bellamy, says 'I'm very proud of the fact that this show is educational and informative. It's not about ...

  I’m not a romantic woman. I admit it. The whole hearts and flowers thing leaves me colder than an Eskimo streaking at an ice polo match. ( Yes, that’s very cold ). Happily, I have deduced that this is in no my way my own fault. (‘Course not. Couldn’t possibly be).   So, my frustration is now aimed squarely at the continual failure of the males of the world to adapt the ‘traditional courtship rituals’ (yawn) to suit the modern female.   I am forced to endure...

  From the ‘ disorders one could never tolerate' department comes this little gem ...   A woman in Sydney, Australia who has been caught red-handed by her partner in the act of having sex with another man says she was asleep at the time and had no idea what she was doing.   The woman’s’ partner, (long confounded by   finding used condoms scattered around their home in the morning), was stunned to eventually discover that she was lea...

  Here we have, straight from the horses' mouth (so to speak), advice from a male doctor telling men how to maintain a ‘sex only’ relationship with a woman. If you ask him, it is possible. (If you ask me, someone should hand me a housebrick to bludgeon this rampantly patronising and blatantly sexist goon over the head with). How to Keep it 'Just Sex' Q: Doc: I have a problem with women – not meeting  them – just keeping things as “just sex” and nothing mor...

I can recall being aged around 24 and telling my grandmother that I wasn't certain I ever wanted to marry. She had not, until that point, even considered that I wasn't 'looking' for a husband. She had just assumed I hadn't been able to find one . My not wanting to get married was inconceivable to her. I was aged 30 when I did marry my husband, and despite the fact that I had been perfectly happy until then, several older female members of my family still heaved huge sighs of relief that...

We were driving late Saturday morning when we were stopped by roadworks right next to a bus shelter. Gazing bored out the window, I noticed a girl of around 20 seated in the shelter and clad in what was obviously her clothing from the night before. Her high heeled shoes sat on the bench next to her. A beaded evening purse sat in her lap. The day was cold and her very short sequined dress wasn't offering much protection. But by far the most striking thing was the look on her face. Sha...