..."as we followed david through the two coach carriages, 124 pairs of sunken eyes sullenly followed our every move. these were people who had no dining carriage, no lounge bar, no cosy berths to crawl into at night. they had been riding upright for two days since leaving sydney, and still had twenty-four hours to go to perth. i am almost certain that if we had not had the train manager as an escort they would have eaten us." (american author bill bryson, from his hilarious book “down unde...

i am fascinated by a recent article i read entitled *"i, the penis" it's clever. it's funny. and it's largely true. but all i really feel the need to say at this point is this: penis, penis, penis, penis, penis . what is that you are all so PROUD of ? ... half the world has them, you know. some men are obsessed with their bat and two balls. it's the only subject that forever both astounds and pleases them. the fact that every man alive has one only mildly decreases this pri...

whilst stuck waiting in an understaffed public office recently, i read a "spiritual" magazine that suggested performing "random acts of kindness" as a way to help bring about "inner peace" i have been somewhat short on inner peace lately, so i figured i would give it a go acting on the advice of said magazine, the next time that i found myself driving on a "tollway", i paid the toll for the car behind, as well as my own, as i passed through the tollgate. the man collecting the tolls s...

i despise greeting card verses. they assume that i am hoping to express my undying, lifelong respect and utter admiration for the recipient, when all i am actually doing is mailing something because it is expected ... despite the fact that everybody knows how meaningless i think that is. i would like to say something to the greeting card verse "authors" of the world: i hope your cerebral cortexes collectively sever themselves. then i can take over. welcome to the cranky old woman's g...

do ranty replies get you riled ? ... are caustic critical comments constantly choking your creativity ? ... do pushy people pelt you with profuse personal put-downs ? ... well, next time a comment offends your sensibilities, don’t go barmy, just go bingo by subjecting it to the “ blog blah blah bingo ” test below. every time the comment commits an “offence” ... it gets a strike ... and if it gets 3 strikes, i think you’re safe to limit your response to one single word ......

in terms of tourism, australias' rural areas have long fought a losing battle against the sophistication of our capital cities. i think most australians assume that this is because all tourists are spoiled lazy sods who only want to go to posh hotels where somebody will wash their socks. but this is not true !. the real problem seems to be that australias' country areas have, by some bizarre unspoken agreement, apparently decided to rectify the tourist shortage by incessantly buil...

my husband likes to watch sport. i enjoy this activity of his also, as it provides me with constant and ever-expanding proof that men are all barking mad. take for example the sport of cricket, which is known as the gentlemans’ game . my husband once attempted an explanation of this activity to me. this explanation took place during a “ test match ” (i have no idea why they are called “test matches”. nothing was tested except my patience), i cannot verify the following quote as an ex...

  My comments on the blogs that I have deleted the spam on look so funny that I fear I may to consider leaving a replacement comment there or some such thing. I can’t help but wonder what future readers may think upon encountering such ‘spam-edited’ comments long after the spammer itself is a bad memory.   Consider the perfectly pleasant exchange being conducted on my comments which was rudely interrupted by the spammer. The next person to visit was infuriated at the st...

  ...   Observations from the airport ...     · Man with tardy wife going to Russia ?   · Man busking for money going to Singapore  ?   · Man with two struggling pigs going to Taiwan ?   · Man with bad intentions going to Bombay ?   · Man with hairdressing bag going to Tonga ?   · Man walking through airport door sideways going to Bangkok ?...

  If you are of marriageable age, chances are you will eventually get accosted by ‘well-meaning’ relatives loudly enquiring as to when you will finally get off the shelf and bag yourself a spouse ‘whilst you still have a chance’. I married at age 30 after fending off the above rude question for about a decade. Hence, I became rather adept at incorporating insults into my answers to said question. I have collected these responses over the years from various sources, and now present...

  I got this in an email recently (presumably because I drive a Volkswagen bus) . So, what does your car say about you ? ...   Buick Park Avenue ~ I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado ~ I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville ~ I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro ~ I enjoy beating people up Datsun 280Z ~ I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Ford Mustang ~ I slow down to 85 in school zones Jaguar X...

Here are some things you may wish to do during your working holiday to my homeland. Yes, they’re real jobs. Jackaroo: Your duties will be stock work associated with lamb and cattle production, with all mustering done on 4-wheel motorbikes. Your own working dogs or experience with dog handling would be preferred. HR licence would be an advantage. Electricity and meat will be included in your salary package. Ringer: The position involves stockwork and all mustering is d...