i love you hit me buy me a new dress ? push me over put your hands on me get me all dirty you can even make me cry if you want come back in three days okay

if i had my life to live over, i'd dare to make more mistakes ... next time, i'd relax. i would limber up. i would be sillier than i have been this trip. i would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would keep later hours. i would have more sweethearts. i would go to more circuses and less meetings . i would take fewer things seriously. i would take more chances, climb more mountains and swim more rivers. i would eat more ice cream and les...

seven years ago, one of my close male friends married a woman that nobody else 'liked'. it happens. and whilst i like to pride myself on my 'acceptance' and 'understanding', i have to admit that even i found it hard to understand why somebody with so much to give could tie themselves to a woman who was, frankly, the coldest bitch i think i've ever met. despite my reservations, the underlying fact that it was really none of my business kept my mouth shut throughout their nuptial announcem...

There are some people whose lives and works have stayed with us long after they themselves shuffled off this mortal coil. So, of those that we admired so much in life, we expect, of course, something poignant and memorable to have been their final utterances upon this earth ... not always so ! I offer for your reading pleasure the famous (or, mostly not-so-famous) last words of some highly influential humans. Some funny, some sad, but, all in all, mostly not what one would have exp...

can i ask you, did you ever see a statue erected to a critic ?. didn't think so. so why are so many people afraid to follow their dreams ? why are so many people afraid what others will 'think' of them if they become who they really are ?. i used to have a lot of dreams, and dreams are exactly what most of them remained. some slipped through my grasp, but mostly i thought i just ‘outgrew’ them. dreams are important. they sustain us in bad times. but it is turning dreams into...

... things that need to be banned in order to achieve peace : newspapers no journalists to stir the pot. yeah. that’s the answer. don’t let us see it coming. that will fix the problem. movies what ?. well, they were decent enough to delay releasing a big-budget bomb flick after 9/11. and nobody actually imitates all that stuff anyway, right ? although, there was something to be said for the ‘good old days’ (back when award winning actors and world leaders w...

The ‘proper’ terms for the ‘detailed causes of death’ that are recorded on official paperwork are, despite their morbid subject matter, actually kind of funny. It stands to reason that a vague “motor vehicle accident” or “gunshot wound” is not enough information for statisticians, courts or government records. The death certificates issued for public record contain brief factual descriptions on a need-to-know basis, yet there exists an expanded list of ‘detailed causes of death’ that ...

I hate yellow cars, and it seems I am not alone !. Initially, I had no colour preference for a car. I was 16. I just wanted one that moved. My Toyota Corolla was sunshine yellow. Bright, bilious, happy, sick-making yellow. I loved it. For three days. Then a drunk guy smashed into it. It got repaired, but it happened again. The thing was like a magnet. It was the most obviously bright object in any given setting. I think it made angry people even angrier. It was like driving a moving ...

I read a while ago about the concept restaurants “Dinner In The Dark”, and although there are none located anywhere near us, I was intrigued by the concept. Basically, there are no lights at all in the restaurant, and the staff are visually impaired. Upon arrival, you are guided to your table and seated by the maitre’d, the wait staff read you the days’ menu choices, and you make your selection. (Of course, Braille menus are available on request). Imagine it: yourself and your comp...

I was watching the (Australian) television show 'The Panel' last night, and the subject of 'mooning' came up. Specifically, they were discussing the fact that an Australian Olympic swimming medalist had begun to pull his track bottoms down during an athletes' celebration with the intention of 'mooning' the other athletes, and had been 'removed' for questioning about the incident. Apparently, Olympic officials has not been sure what the swimmer was 'planning to do'. As 'mooning' is kn...

Art imitating life ?. Uh, make that death . Although I can't say I have much interest at all in art auctions, I found a recent example of art imitating life that I loved in spite of myself. British auctioneers 'House and Son' recently auctioned a figurine of Anne Boleyn, 2nd wife of Henry VIII, who was beheaded in the Tower of London in 1536. After the successful bid was made, a member of the auction house staff, whilst attempting to remove the figurine from display, accidentally k...

One-in-a-million miracles happen, on average, 295 times per day in America alone , says Michael Shermer in this months’ Scientific American “Skeptic” column. “ I cannot always explain such specific incidents ” Shermer writes, “but a principle of probability called 'the Law of Large Numbers' shows that an event with a low probability of occurrence in a small number of trials has a high probability of occurrence in a large number of trials ”. Shermer explains how, in their book ‘Deb...

(paul simms (for the new yorker magazine. which i did not buy. which marco left here) recently published the following plea to god. this work is copyright to paul simms). lord ? ... please don't let me die in a funny way. like being beaten to death with a shoe. especially not my own shoe. and, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, i'd rather not be wearing it at the time. or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet. i know i'm going to die someday, i'm just asking no...

"IF" - By Rudyard Kipling ... If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting; or being lied about - don't deal in lies, Or being hated - don't give way to hating; yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream and not make dreams your master; If you can think and not make tho...

  I recently overheard my husband honking and sniggering and asked him what he was laughing at. Incapable of speech, he merely gestured to the television screen - upon which was a woman dressed in a cow suit singing and dancing about the stage, clutching at her rubber ‘udder’ as she did so. At first suspecting some awful ‘arty’ remake of ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, I was astonished to find that I was in fact viewing an actual contestant on one of the ‘Idol’ shows. Now, ...