seven years ago, one of my close male friends married a woman that nobody else 'liked'. it happens. and whilst i like to pride myself on my 'acceptance' and 'understanding', i have to admit that even i found it hard to understand why somebody with so much to give could tie themselves to a woman who was, frankly, the coldest bitch i think i've ever met. despite my reservations, the underlying fact that it was really none of my business kept my mouth shut throughout their nuptial announcem...

There are some people whose lives and works have stayed with us long after they themselves shuffled off this mortal coil. So, of those that we admired so much in life, we expect, of course, something poignant and memorable to have been their final utterances upon this earth ... not always so ! I offer for your reading pleasure the famous (or, mostly not-so-famous) last words of some highly influential humans. Some funny, some sad, but, all in all, mostly not what one would have exp...

The ‘proper’ terms for the ‘detailed causes of death’ that are recorded on official paperwork are, despite their morbid subject matter, actually kind of funny. It stands to reason that a vague “motor vehicle accident” or “gunshot wound” is not enough information for statisticians, courts or government records. The death certificates issued for public record contain brief factual descriptions on a need-to-know basis, yet there exists an expanded list of ‘detailed causes of death’ that ...

I hate yellow cars, and it seems I am not alone !. Initially, I had no colour preference for a car. I was 16. I just wanted one that moved. My Toyota Corolla was sunshine yellow. Bright, bilious, happy, sick-making yellow. I loved it. For three days. Then a drunk guy smashed into it. It got repaired, but it happened again. The thing was like a magnet. It was the most obviously bright object in any given setting. I think it made angry people even angrier. It was like driving a moving ...

I read a while ago about the concept restaurants “Dinner In The Dark”, and although there are none located anywhere near us, I was intrigued by the concept. Basically, there are no lights at all in the restaurant, and the staff are visually impaired. Upon arrival, you are guided to your table and seated by the maitre’d, the wait staff read you the days’ menu choices, and you make your selection. (Of course, Braille menus are available on request). Imagine it: yourself and your comp...

I was watching the (Australian) television show 'The Panel' last night, and the subject of 'mooning' came up. Specifically, they were discussing the fact that an Australian Olympic swimming medalist had begun to pull his track bottoms down during an athletes' celebration with the intention of 'mooning' the other athletes, and had been 'removed' for questioning about the incident. Apparently, Olympic officials has not been sure what the swimmer was 'planning to do'. As 'mooning' is kn...

Art imitating life ?. Uh, make that death . Although I can't say I have much interest at all in art auctions, I found a recent example of art imitating life that I loved in spite of myself. British auctioneers 'House and Son' recently auctioned a figurine of Anne Boleyn, 2nd wife of Henry VIII, who was beheaded in the Tower of London in 1536. After the successful bid was made, a member of the auction house staff, whilst attempting to remove the figurine from display, accidentally k...

One-in-a-million miracles happen, on average, 295 times per day in America alone , says Michael Shermer in this months’ Scientific American “Skeptic” column. “ I cannot always explain such specific incidents ” Shermer writes, “but a principle of probability called 'the Law of Large Numbers' shows that an event with a low probability of occurrence in a small number of trials has a high probability of occurrence in a large number of trials ”. Shermer explains how, in their book ‘Deb...

(paul simms (for the new yorker magazine. which i did not buy. which marco left here) recently published the following plea to god. this work is copyright to paul simms). lord ? ... please don't let me die in a funny way. like being beaten to death with a shoe. especially not my own shoe. and, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, i'd rather not be wearing it at the time. or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet. i know i'm going to die someday, i'm just asking no...

"IF" - By Rudyard Kipling ... If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting; or being lied about - don't deal in lies, Or being hated - don't give way to hating; yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream and not make dreams your master; If you can think and not make tho...

  I recently overheard my husband honking and sniggering and asked him what he was laughing at. Incapable of speech, he merely gestured to the television screen - upon which was a woman dressed in a cow suit singing and dancing about the stage, clutching at her rubber ‘udder’ as she did so. At first suspecting some awful ‘arty’ remake of ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, I was astonished to find that I was in fact viewing an actual contestant on one of the ‘Idol’ shows. Now, ...

  I heard a guy on TV the other day say that the world was ‘basically divided into three types of people’.     (This made me wonder what world he lived in, because in my world there seems to have been, oh, at least forty-seven types so far, and counting).   He further went on to say that these three distinct types could be identified solely by the way they behaved in traffic jams.   (Oooooh gawd, really ?. Well shucks, what’s ...

    I have a clown phobia. They terrify me. I place the blame squarely on every awful 80’s ‘horror’ film I ever watched.   I spent my formative years viewing movies about clowns that would sit, smiling and apparently harmless, on a chair in a corner of your bedroom ... until the lights went out.   At which point they would suddenly grow very long arms and strangle you in your sleep.   Or produce an enormous meat-cleaver from the folds ...

  I have briefly disengaged myself from the throng of houseguests to make the following announcement: Somebody ate all of my Cornflakes . I can handle the endless snoring from bloated corpse-like guests passed out all over my house. I can handle the giant electricity, phone and grocery bills we inevitably get lumbered with. I can handle the utter disregard for my privacy and desire for peace. I can even handle cooking for seven ravenous people in two sittings every n...

  Of the many things that astonish me about modern ‘love’, the one that gets me the most is the ability of a diamond engagement ring to turn a nice, everyday woman into the-bitch-bride-from-hell.   I’ve been a bridesmaid on numerous occasions, and, without exception, as I clutched a damp tissue and waved goodbye to the bride and her brand new groom as they departed for their exotic honeymoon, I have thought exactly the same thing: “I’m so glad you’re leaving the co...