i love you hit me buy me a new dress ? push me over put your hands on me get me all dirty you can even make me cry if you want come back in three days okay

if i had my life to live over, i'd dare to make more mistakes ... next time, i'd relax. i would limber up. i would be sillier than i have been this trip. i would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would keep later hours. i would have more sweethearts. i would go to more circuses and less meetings . i would take fewer things seriously. i would take more chances, climb more mountains and swim more rivers. i would eat more ice cream and les...

... things that need to be banned in order to achieve peace : newspapers no journalists to stir the pot. yeah. that’s the answer. don’t let us see it coming. that will fix the problem. movies what ?. well, they were decent enough to delay releasing a big-budget bomb flick after 9/11. and nobody actually imitates all that stuff anyway, right ? although, there was something to be said for the ‘good old days’ (back when award winning actors and world leaders w...

can i ask you, did you ever see a statue erected to a critic ?. didn't think so. so why are so many people afraid to follow their dreams ? why are so many people afraid what others will 'think' of them if they become who they really are ?. i used to have a lot of dreams, and dreams are exactly what most of them remained. some slipped through my grasp, but mostly i thought i just ‘outgrew’ them. dreams are important. they sustain us in bad times. but it is turning dreams into...

There are some people whose lives and works have stayed with us long after they themselves shuffled off this mortal coil. So, of those that we admired so much in life, we expect, of course, something poignant and memorable to have been their final utterances upon this earth ... not always so ! I offer for your reading pleasure the famous (or, mostly not-so-famous) last words of some highly influential humans. Some funny, some sad, but, all in all, mostly not what one would have exp...

seven years ago, one of my close male friends married a woman that nobody else 'liked'. it happens. and whilst i like to pride myself on my 'acceptance' and 'understanding', i have to admit that even i found it hard to understand why somebody with so much to give could tie themselves to a woman who was, frankly, the coldest bitch i think i've ever met. despite my reservations, the underlying fact that it was really none of my business kept my mouth shut throughout their nuptial announcem...

(paul simms (for the new yorker magazine. which i did not buy. which marco left here) recently published the following plea to god. this work is copyright to paul simms). lord ? ... please don't let me die in a funny way. like being beaten to death with a shoe. especially not my own shoe. and, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, i'd rather not be wearing it at the time. or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet. i know i'm going to die someday, i'm just asking no...

"IF" - By Rudyard Kipling ... If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting; or being lied about - don't deal in lies, Or being hated - don't give way to hating; yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream and not make dreams your master; If you can think and not make tho...

One-in-a-million miracles happen, on average, 295 times per day in America alone , says Michael Shermer in this months’ Scientific American “Skeptic” column. “ I cannot always explain such specific incidents ” Shermer writes, “but a principle of probability called 'the Law of Large Numbers' shows that an event with a low probability of occurrence in a small number of trials has a high probability of occurrence in a large number of trials ”. Shermer explains how, in their book ‘Deb...

  I have briefly disengaged myself from the throng of houseguests to make the following announcement: Somebody ate all of my Cornflakes . I can handle the endless snoring from bloated corpse-like guests passed out all over my house. I can handle the giant electricity, phone and grocery bills we inevitably get lumbered with. I can handle the utter disregard for my privacy and desire for peace. I can even handle cooking for seven ravenous people in two sittings every n...

  Of the many things that astonish me about modern ‘love’, the one that gets me the most is the ability of a diamond engagement ring to turn a nice, everyday woman into the-bitch-bride-from-hell.   I’ve been a bridesmaid on numerous occasions, and, without exception, as I clutched a damp tissue and waved goodbye to the bride and her brand new groom as they departed for their exotic honeymoon, I have thought exactly the same thing: “I’m so glad you’re leaving the co...

  I used to work with a fellow who had a younger sister with cerebral palsy. He often spoke with pride of her high intelligence and academic achievements, and also of her occasionally mischievous nature.   I remember one occasion when he told me, with some excitement, that she had been chosen to be interviewed by a journalist from a major magazine on behalf of the students at her university.   The day of the interview came, and he waited for her phone call ...

I cannot keep still in my sleep.   I for some reason assume a sleeping position my husband has named ‘the starfish’ (arms out, legs out), thus occupying the entire bed.   From there, I for some reason like to hurl the blankets across the room with great force and smash the bedside lamp, occasionally followed by bestowing my sleeping husband with a thump on the head.   (Neither of us has any idea why I do this. Happily, my husband ch...

  When I lived in Sydney and went to work every day, I was what one might call ‘well-groomed’. (Okay, technically, I was what one might call ‘groomed to within an inch of my life’). At the time, I never gave my intensive self-cleaning-and-preening a second thought. It was as much a part of my routine as eating or sleeping.   I had a job. I worked in an office building. Every other person that worked there did exactly the same thing. Looked exactly the same way. That the...

    Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your blog ...   Here is my question to you, dear reader, regarding my dear friend the blog spammer ... if it has to annoy me with its’ endless blah links and ads, then don’t you think the dopey bollocks could at least have the decency to make some fugging sense ?.   I can't believe it has 'Penis Erection' as one of it's links. Why must it torture me ?. Why ?. ‘Penis Erection’ ???.   &...