i despise greeting card verses. they assume that i am hoping to express my undying, lifelong respect and utter admiration for the recipient, when all i am actually doing is mailing something because it is expected ... despite the fact that everybody knows how meaningless i think that is. i would like to say something to the greeting card verse "authors" of the world: i hope your cerebral cortexes collectively sever themselves. then i can take over. welcome to the cranky old woman's g...

do ranty replies get you riled ? ... are caustic critical comments constantly choking your creativity ? ... do pushy people pelt you with profuse personal put-downs ? ... well, next time a comment offends your sensibilities, don’t go barmy, just go bingo by subjecting it to the “ blog blah blah bingo ” test below. every time the comment commits an “offence” ... it gets a strike ... and if it gets 3 strikes, i think you’re safe to limit your response to one single word ......

in terms of tourism, australias' rural areas have long fought a losing battle against the sophistication of our capital cities. i think most australians assume that this is because all tourists are spoiled lazy sods who only want to go to posh hotels where somebody will wash their socks. but this is not true !. the real problem seems to be that australias' country areas have, by some bizarre unspoken agreement, apparently decided to rectify the tourist shortage by incessantly buil...

my husband likes to watch sport. i enjoy this activity of his also, as it provides me with constant and ever-expanding proof that men are all barking mad. take for example the sport of cricket, which is known as the gentlemans’ game . my husband once attempted an explanation of this activity to me. this explanation took place during a “ test match ” (i have no idea why they are called “test matches”. nothing was tested except my patience), i cannot verify the following quote as an ex...

  My comments on the blogs that I have deleted the spam on look so funny that I fear I may to consider leaving a replacement comment there or some such thing. I can’t help but wonder what future readers may think upon encountering such ‘spam-edited’ comments long after the spammer itself is a bad memory.   Consider the perfectly pleasant exchange being conducted on my comments which was rudely interrupted by the spammer. The next person to visit was infuriated at the st...

  ...   Observations from the airport ...     · Man with tardy wife going to Russia ?   · Man busking for money going to Singapore  ?   · Man with two struggling pigs going to Taiwan ?   · Man with bad intentions going to Bombay ?   · Man with hairdressing bag going to Tonga ?   · Man walking through airport door sideways going to Bangkok ?...

  If you are of marriageable age, chances are you will eventually get accosted by ‘well-meaning’ relatives loudly enquiring as to when you will finally get off the shelf and bag yourself a spouse ‘whilst you still have a chance’. I married at age 30 after fending off the above rude question for about a decade. Hence, I became rather adept at incorporating insults into my answers to said question. I have collected these responses over the years from various sources, and now present...

  I got this in an email recently (presumably because I drive a Volkswagen bus) . So, what does your car say about you ? ...   Buick Park Avenue ~ I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado ~ I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville ~ I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro ~ I enjoy beating people up Datsun 280Z ~ I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Ford Mustang ~ I slow down to 85 in school zones Jaguar X...

Here are some things you may wish to do during your working holiday to my homeland. Yes, they’re real jobs. Jackaroo: Your duties will be stock work associated with lamb and cattle production, with all mustering done on 4-wheel motorbikes. Your own working dogs or experience with dog handling would be preferred. HR licence would be an advantage. Electricity and meat will be included in your salary package. Ringer: The position involves stockwork and all mustering is d...

My hubby and I sometimes like to substitute like-sounding words in conversation, and we find it very amusing that nobody ever notices. He spilled a drink on my leg recently, and when I said "you did that on porpoise", my (visiting) mother didn't bat an eyelid. People for the most part just hear what they expect to hear. When we say "don't be shellfish" people hear "don't be selfish", and if we tell people we live near (what we think is) "the most beautiful bitch (beach) in Australia" they...

Do you laugh when people fall over ?. If you do, it's likely that you suffer from an affliction I term 'the sausage sense of humour' . (So named for its' symptoms of causing one to laugh at things that make others look at one as if perhaps one is demented . Or maybe something worse). The word 'sausage' should not be allowed in decent conversations. My persistently puerile sense of humour announces me as the goose that I am via my honking with laughter at the mere mention of the w...

In the latest attempt by the 'glamourama' media to make us collectively feel shitty about ourselves, I have noticed that not only are selected female celebs concerned with whittling themselves away to reveal their fabulous bone structure (all of it), but male celebs are beginning to ditch the reality and go for washboard tummies, overstyled hair and buns of steel. Being long accustomed to women bowing to the (now necessary) pressure to remain eternally slim, I at least could once rely on...

In a further instance of 'the world gone mad', insurance giant Prudential has been forced to issue a release stating that it will 'review it's safeguards' after a consumer received a letter from them addressed to "Mr. Shagslikeadonkey". The unamused recipient, a Mr. Nick Mann, of Bedfordshire, England, told the (British) Sun newspaper that the letter was delivered to his home via regular post. It was printed on official Prudential letterhead, and had been signed by the company's marketin...

a london-based friend of mine told me recently that, since he had commenced working as a contract-based 'it consultant' in 1997, the top ten keyword searches on the internet have barely changed. despite the internet advancing in leaps and bounds, we are all still just mucking around in here !. i do have an inherent mistrust of lists. i admit that. but with the source of this information being the highly respected british accounting firm for whom my friend is currently working, i am horri...