'Divorce-like' refund excuses:     1/ It doesn’t fit me properly   2/ My mother hates it   3/ It looks different in the daylight   4/ I just didn’t like it when I got it home   5/ It lost its shape really quickly   6/ I was drunk when I chose it   7/ It makes me itchy   8/ It’s not warm enough   9/ It’s too small ! ...

  'Divorce-like' refund excuses:     1/ It doesn’t fit me properly   2/ My mother hates it   3/ It looks different in the daylight   4/ I just didn’t like it when I got it home   5/ It lost its shape really quickly   6/ I was drunk when I chose it   7/ It makes me itchy   8/ It’s not warm enough   9/ It’s too small ! ...

  We’ve all done it: ‘covered’ for a friend or workmate in a tight situation by stretching the truth a little. Most of us would see no real harm in telling the boss that a co-worker was ‘in a meeting’ when they were actually sniveling in the loo because they got dumped.   We’re all human.   Yet there are times when even the most devoted friend would rather not be asked to ‘cover’ for an activity that they wanted no part of, such as providing an alibi for...

  Several grown women I know claim not to masturbate, and this astonishes me. To be honest, I have real trouble believing that any sexually active female hasn’t tried a little do-it-yourself even once , and I find it a shame that female masturbation is still frowned upon.   Young men are encouraged to explore their sexuality from the outset, and male masturbation is seen as an acceptable example of this. There are so many terms for it ... jerking off, wanki...

  Several grown women I know claim not to masturbate, and this astonishes me. To be honest, I have real trouble believing that any sexually active female hasn’t tried a little do-it-yourself even once , and I find it a shame that female masturbation is still frowned upon.   Young men are encouraged to explore their sexuality from the outset, and male masturbation is seen as an acceptable example of this. There are so many terms for it ... jerking off, wanki...

    There are many things of which it is possible to become enraged over in this clusterf*ck of a world. I myself must admit that, whilst I try to generally be a tolerant and reasonable person, I cannot stand to be around people who can’t accept a point of view other than their own.   The world seems full of these ‘opinion attackers’, always lurking somewhere, ready to pop up out of the grass at you to give you a frank talking-to because you believe in astro...

  My husband and I were watching a movie together last weekend. Nothing extraordinary about that, except for the fact that this particular movie contained a scene that was almost an exact replica of how we had met eight years previously.   Thinking it uncanny, I turned to my husband excitedly and was about to say something when I saw that he, too, had turned towards me with a startled look on his face.   I paused to let him speak, ready to hear a tender co...

    Care to know what 'floats my boat' ?   Exactly what does 'the little chef' need to do to 'stir my sauce' ?   Could it be sexual gymnastics ?   Endless preening, posturing and posing perhaps ?   Expensive meals, good wine, luxurious backrubs maybe?   Or even bending over backwards to make me happy with endless romance, flowers, heart-warming films and other such essential accoutrements ?   Na...

  An American television viewer is suing the producers a reality show because he claims became ill whilst watching it.   Stating that he suffered ‘violent nausea, vomiting and dizziness’ as a direct consequence of the contents of programme in question, the viewer is reportedly seeking damages in excess of US$2.5 million.   The scenes in the show responsible for the ‘upset’ apparently contained footage of contestants drinking ‘milkshakes’ containin...

  Is it just me, or is the world beginning to resemble a giant penis ?.   It seems everywhere I look these days, some new tribute to the male genitalia is being (pardon the pun) erected .   Just last week, a sculpture which had been commissioned for a park in my area was ‘unveiled’.   I had occasion to drive past said sculpture yesterday.   And it’s a giant penis .   The creators are calling it a ‘monument’, but ...

I have a secret confession to make: I love nerdy men. I love men who study stuff and take serious looking notes in cafes whilst frowning into huge textbooks. I can’t help it !. I love men who blurt out (sound but embarrassingly boring) theories at dinner parties !. I also love men who know a lot of trivial but interesting facts, and who like watching nature and animal documentaries. I love men who wear cardigans, who are too busy thinking to do anything about their gut, and who...

    I’m becoming tired of hearing about various public areas, services and attractions being closed or scaled-down due to the operators/owners being unable to afford spiraling public liability insurance premiums.   The concept of public liability insurance is a sound one: someone becomes injured or otherwise disadvantaged due to liability or neglect on your property, they sue you, the insurance company pays up and they go away.   This prevents you f...

    Every article you read on JoeUser was written by an actual human being.   Every comment you make on JoeUser will be read by an actual human being.   And every article you publish on JoeUser will be potentially viewed by a lot of people, all of whom will have their own opinions about your work, formed through life experiences that you can never share.   Your readers may be from another generation. There may be vast cultural and spi...

  I recently overheard my husband honking and sniggering and asked him what he was laughing at. Incapable of speech, he merely gestured to the television screen - upon which was a woman dressed in a cow suit singing and dancing about the stage, clutching at her rubber ‘udder’ as she did so. At first suspecting some awful ‘arty’ remake of ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, I was astonished to find that I was in fact viewing an actual contestant on one of the ‘Idol’ shows. Now, ...

  If they can send ONE man to the moon, why can't they send THEM ALL ? It's official. They deserve to go. Every last one of 'em. Someone needs to build the space shuttle equivalent of the wooden horse of Troy and pack the scoundrels in there with a one way ticket to a lunar landing. To provide justification of this measure, one needs look no further than the authors of the current spate of (I use the term loosely) books that claim to provide 'insight' int...